Mele Kalikimaka!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year suckers, I'm heading to Hawaii until January 5th!  So, you'll have to entertain yourselves for awhile.  "Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, Happy Hanukkah !"

My Favorite Movie Babes

Catherine Tramell Basic Instinct

OK, so she's a little pyschotic.  But damnit, you have to love a woman that "goes commando," lights up a cigarette even after she's told not to by the fuzz, and who also enjoys making out with women along the way.  She might very well fuck you to death, but what a way to go!

Erin Grant Striptease
An absolutely awful movie, but Demi Moore's "performance" was nothing short of brilliant! Mercy!

Ms. Tesmaucher Superman and Superman 2
My first movie crush was on Ms. Tesmaucher. She's smart, she's funny, she's gorgeous, and has always been one of my old school favs!

Pembrook Feeney Stroker Ace
Loni Anderson is definitely a Hall of Fall Blonde in my world.  She is often forgotten, but certainly not by me.  As the very innocent and extremely HOT Pembrook Feeney, Loni really shines in this very bad Burt Reynolds' flick.

Karen Cisco Out of Sight
I have never been a big fan of hers, but even I must admit that she is incredibly sexy in this flick! Allow me to introduce Exhibit A.

Kelly Van Ryan Wild Things
I may pick on her acting ability, but this beauty from Downer's Grove, IL really gets it done in this flick!

Mikaela Banes Transformers
I'm not a fan of either movie, and I really don't think that she has much acting ability...that being said, she does have a few things going for her.

Jordan Lee Jenson Private School
Is there anything left to say about the incredibly beautiful Betsey Russell?  Well, maybe just one more thing--she is still smoking hot!

Selene Underworld
The incredibly hot Kate Beckinsale certainly doesn't need skin tight leather clothing to be sexy, but it sure doesn't fucking hurt!

Honey Ryder Dr. No
Inexplicably, I finally got around to watching Dr. No this year--I have no idea how that happened? Why didn't you tell me about her earlier, Rooster??? I blame you.

All The Wrong Moves

Miscast [mis-kast, -kahst]

-verb (used with object), -casting.

1.  to assign an unsuitable role to (an actor): Tom was miscast as Romeo.

2. to allot (a role) to an unsuitable actor.

3. to select unsuitable actors for (a play, motion picture, or the like).

Katie Holmes Batman Begins and Maggie Gyllenhaal The Dark Knight
I have to group these two ladies together because one wouldn't have happened without the other. The photo above (left) perfectly illustrates what Christian Bale had to do in every scene that he had with Katie Holmes.  The role needed a pretty face, but one who could at least act her way out of a paper bag.   And as for Gyllenhaal, I have to pin this one on Katie Holmes, as well.  If her acting chops were even "He went to Jared" commercial quality, Maggie would have never been put into this predicament.  The miscasting of Katie Holmes lead to this unfortunate blunder.  Maggie is a fantastic actor, but she is really hard on the eyes no matter what The Joker says.  BTW, now that was some great acting!  How did he even keep a straight face while delivering the line, "Well, hello beautiful"?

Hayden Christenson Episode II and III
I've seen card board cut outs more dynamic than this guy.  This is arguably one of the most coveted roles for an actor to play and this is the guy they picked?  Maybe some of it can be blamed on George Lucas' less than fluid dialogue, but his acting ability coupled with his facial expressions would make Freddie Prinze Jr. proud.

Denise Richards The World is Not Enough
I'll say it loud and proud--I love this woman and I always have.  But Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones "nuclear scientest" is more than a bit of a stretch. What's next?  Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the next Bond villian--McKillin'?

Vince Vaughn Pyscho
Who green lighted this disaster?  Let's take one of the funniest and best improvisational actors of the last 15 years and cast him as a pyschotic, brooding, cross dressing killer?  Was the next pitch that day for Steven Segal as the lead in Forrest Gump?

Joan Allen Face/Off
She always seemed oddly out of place in the role of Travolta's wife.  I mean she really is an attractive woman., but it seemed like they went way out of their way to make her look old and drab in this movie.  Not only that, she looks approximately 10 years older in this movie than she actually is.

Almost the entire cast of Summer Catch
This flick is a movie blogger's dream to discuss.  First and foremost, Matthew Lillard as a former USC catcher?  All 137 annoying lbs. of him?  The usually solid Brian Dennehy as a baseball coach uttering such awkward dialogue as, "Come on Ryan, stay out of this guy's kitchen."  Awkward in the fact that Dennehy sounded like he had no idea of what a guy's "kitchen" actually is. Freddie Prinze Jr. as a major league prospect (I think that I've voiced my opinion on this on numerous occasions)?  Wilmer Valderrama (the foreign kid from That 70's Show) as a baseball player period.  And John C. McGinley as a Phillie scout is just priceless--he signs a head case that argues with umps, implodes whenever he has men on base, and has been kicked off of his two previous teams for fighting with teammates? About the only people perfectly cast in this flick was Brittany Murphy as a skanky bar waitress (a spot on match) and Fred Ward as the grumpy father.

Danny Glover Predator 2
The movie should have never been made to begin with, but if you're going to do it, at the very least bring back Arnold.  I have always liked Danny Glover, he's a fine actor--so why do you pair him up with Bill Paxton? Can you hamstring the man any more? What, was Keanu busy?

Adam Sandler The Longest Yard
This sounds totally believeable--short, unathletic Jew in the role of an ex-NFL star QB? Awful casting choice!

Margot Kidder Superman I and II 
I have to hand it to K-Dogg for pointing this one out to me.  Now, I don't profess to be a 70's movie expert, but certainly they could have cast a much more attractive Lois Lane.  Granted, she was a solid as Lois Lane acting wise, but your're telling me that you'd give up your super powers for a piece of her?  No way! For Ms. Tesmaucher--now you're talking!

Sofia Coppola  The Godfather III
What is there left to say? Bad, bad, bad, bad! Nepitism at it's worst!

Once You Go Fat, You Never Go Back

Where, oh, where have all of the great pleasantly plump comedians gone?  Oh yeah, overdose, heart failure, overdose, and heart failure.  Maybe that is the natural progression of the fat entertainer nowadays.  One can only hope that the trend continues with Cedric "The Entertainer"--quickly.

With that in mind, I think it's high time that someone paid homage to the great fat movie characters of our time.  I had to have one perameter though: Only one movie role per actor, otherwise John Candy and Rodney Dangerfield would comprise my whole list.  Here are some of my personal favorites:

10.) Mike Engleberg The Bad News Bears
He's the glue that held that infield together back in '76.  So what if he gets a little chocolate on the ball?  Or steals Olgilvie's hamburger.  And just ignore the fact that he can't button up his jersey.  Engleberg is the shit!

9.)  Chunk  The Goonies
I have three words for you--The Truffle Shuffle!

8.)  Chubby  Teen Wolf
Oliver Miller would have loved to have his FG % and body type for that matter.  Granted, there was no jump in his jump shot and his defense was suspect at best, but he was an integral part of that championship game!

7.)  Alan  The Hangover
The man looks like "Fat Jesus," is totally inapropriate at times, and is a complete idiot, but I love him!

6.)  Seth  Superbad
The similarities are eerie between high school me and Seth; we're both fat, we both loved Richard Pryor, and we both loved a good vagtastic voyage.  You have to hand it to him, it is a flawless high school plan. 

5.)  Bluto  Animal House
It may be redundant to have him on the blog again, but he was that classic!

4.)  Fat Bastard  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
The man sure is passionate about his dumps!

3.)  Tommy Callahan  Tommy Boy
Seven years in college?  (Sounds like someone that I know.)  The late Chris Farley was utterly fantastic in this role. And who wouldn't want to do this to a skinny friend? 

2.)  Del Griffith  Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
He's annoying.  He has some foot odor issues and talks a whole lot.  But he is a hell of a salesman and does anyone do The Mess Around any better?

1.) Thornton Melon  Back to School
The man is amazing.  He's a millionare.  He can still drink like a fish.  He can have intelligent political conversations.  He throws great parties.  And, remarkably, he's still in great shape for a fat guy!