My 80's Movie Mixtape

This topic is tailor made for those of you out there who are as sick as I am--and you all know who you are ("Cornfeld, Hamilton, Brandt. Get a good one.")  If I had my way, this compilation would have been in my Panasonic dual cassette boom box on a constant loop back in '88.  (Don't forget to click on the song numbers for each song title and a nice full length version of each song.)  Enjoy!

Side A


Song # 1  from Commando  "No chance."

Song # 2  from Over The Top  "I drive trucks, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best."

Song #3  from Rocky IV  "Throw the towel, throw the damn towel!"

Song #4  from The Karate Kid  "I really like your car, Mrs. LaRusso!!"

Song #5  from Back To School  "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

Song #6   from Wildcats "You owe me a new watch...you pussies!"

Song #7  from Just One Of The Guys  "Aren't you embarassed? Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass anytime."

Song #8  from Beverly Hills Cop  "Phillip?!  Hey man, I new dat was you, he told me that wasn't you, said you don't come here no more, but I said it's Phil!"

Song #9  from 48hrs.  "I'm at Vromann's in the Filmore. No, I know you don't know about this place. The brothers hang out here."

Song #10  from Bachelor Party  "I wish I had someone that I could really respect. Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo!"

Side B


Song #1  from Road House  "Elvis! Play something...with balls!"

Song #2  from The Karate Kid  "Sweep the leg."

Song #3  from Fletch  "By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?"

Song #4  from All The Right Moves  "Hey guys, Stef's gotta problem with the goddamn mill!"

Song #5  from Revenge Of The Nerds "That's my pie."

Song #6  from Losin' It  "You know what that Tuck-and-Roll guy's doing right now? He's stuffing my seats with horseshit!"

Song #7  from Teen Wolf   "Shoot it, fatboy!"

Song #8  from Trading Places  "Hold up, man! Who's been puttin' out their Kools out on my floor? Who's been puttin' their Kools out on my floor?"

Song #9  from Can't Buy Me Love  "Oooh, Cards with the tards. Who could beat a night of cards, chips, dips and dorks?"

Song #10  from First Blood  "I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go."

OVER-rated (clap, clap, clap) OVER-rated (Part 2)

"And here...we...GO!"

5.) Blue Velvet
A severed human ear, a sexually depraved woman, the seedy under belly of the "perfect" suburban neighborhood, and a ruthlesss oxygen huffing madman--all rolled up into one hell of a mess of a movie.  I'm sure you'll be surprised that David Lynch (Mullholland Dr.) wrote and directed this horse apple.  Mr. Lynch just isn't having any fun unless he's thoroughly confusing and misleading his audiences into submission.  Well sir, I choose not to participate--comence with your "surrealism" without me.

4.)  A Clockwork Orange
Even the movie's title reeks of pretentiousness. The movie is a dark satirical science fiction piece written (adapted from the novel) and directed by the habitually over praised Stanley Kubrick.  The movie is a sadists wet dream--non stop violence, rape, torture, and subversive undertones, overtones--middle tones.  This, apparently, is what's known as "brilliance" in Hollywood.  If this is brilliance, I'm more than happy with being a stupid human being.

3.) Do The Right Thing
This "Spike Lee Joint" movie enrages me every time that I think about it.  The film illustrates the racial tensions that occur during the hottest day of the summer in a multi-racial Brooklyn neighborhood.  Here's what happens in a nutshell.  Mookie (Spike Lee) is a pizza delivery man for Sal's Pizza. Sal, the Italian owner of Sal's Pizza,  (Danny Aiello) has pictures up on his wall of Italian movie stars and celebrities. Buggin' Out (Giancarlo Esposito) takes offense to this because he thinks Sal should put up pictures of black movie stars since Sal sells pizza in a black neighborhood to black people. When Sal refuses, Buggin' Out causes a disturbance and a commotion in Sal's and the cops are called.  Buggin' Out resists arrest, and then is accidentally killed by the cops.  Mookie, upset by what has gone down, picks up a garbage can and throws it through Sal's window inciting a riot and Sal's place is subsequently burned to the ground. Moral of the story?  If a store owner refuses to do something that you want him to do, throw a garbage can through his store front window and burn his place down. But only if the store owner is white (thus evil) and only if you (the garbage can thrower) is a minority.  Great message Spike.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire
I almost feel bad for putting this on my list because, honestly, I thought it was a good movie.  However, if a movie wins 8 Oscars, it better be a fucking phenomenal movie experience and it better change my life--it better be The Godfather II great, and not simply good.  One simple question for those of you playing at home: For those of you who have seen this movie (myself included), have you even had the slightest urge to watch it a second time?  I didn't think so. I rest my case.

1.) Titanic
Anyone surprised at this pick?  After all, this movie still reigns supreme as the highest grossing film of all time.  And why shouldn't it, considering all of its originality?  This flick is the perfect illustration of how high (as in smoked too much doob) American's movie I.Q. actually is.  Let's explore deeper (pun intended) into all of the spectacular qualities of this American masterpiece, shall we? The gag reflexing Celine Dion song that was played every other song on every radio station for 365 annoyingly long days, certainly didn't do the movie any favors with me.  Neither did the retread of the same old worn out "star crossed lovers" love story that should have died with its creator,William Shakespeare, in 1616.  Or how about the miscasting of Leonardo DiCaprio, who came off as a boy to Kate Winslet's slightly more elegant older character?   And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? Bill Paxton, as the ship's captain searching for the Titanic's wreakage.  (The man's best performance is still Chet from Weird Science for Christ sake!) The movie's costumes, sets, and special effects were superb, but Best Picture worthy?  I still think not.

OVER-rated (clap, clap, clap) OVER-rated! (Part 1)

Like Fast Eddie Felson said, "I'm Back!" And I'm here to address one of my very favorite movie topics to discuss with you guys--Overrated Movies.  Here are my #'s 6-10, with 1-5 to follow soon.

10.) Donnie Darko
I have seen the movie 3 or 4 times, and it still makes little sense to me.  This film makes a lot of people's list as a cult classic, but I will argue to the death that just because a movie makes no sense, doesn't necessarily make it "brilliant."  Having the always strange Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead doesn't help either, but I get the feeling that nothing would have helped this flick except maybe a re-write or 12.  Parallel universes, worm holes, a guy dressed up as a rabbit, and Patrick Swayze?  I'm shocked that it all didn't make more sense to me.

9.) The Royal Tennenbaums
It doesn't help this movie's case any that I fucking hate Wes Anderson and pretty much his whole body of pretentious work. Maybe I'm just not articulate enough (which is a solid argument) to grasp the hysterical concepts of Gwyneth Paltrow stoically smoking, Ben Stiller and kids wearing the same Addidas sweat suit, and Owen Wilson sporting a cowboy hat for two hours.  Or, just maybe I'm articulate enough to identify a pretentious piece of shit when I see one.

8.) Blade Runner
On paper it should be an absolute slam dunk.  Great cast. Great premise. Great special effects.  And then the movie begins.  Why, for the love of all that is holy and sacred, does every critic heap praise upon this movie?  What is so special about it?  I've seen it three times (which was really 12 times when I had to pause it and come back to it because it is so fucking boring) and I still don't get it.  Anyone?

7.) Brokeback Mountain
I'm convinced that every critic had no choice but to pile on the praise for this movie because it was the pc thing to do.  God forbid someone give this movie what it really deserves (2 stars--one for each of Anne Hathaway's beautiful sweater puppies shown in the film), or has any criticism for this movie at all.  Sure the movie's less than subtle sex scenes between Ledger and Gyllenhaal made me want to poke out my eye balls with my soda straw, but that isn't the reason that I thinks it's overrated.  I think it's overrated because it is an ordinary movie that critics claimed was extraordinary simply because of its subject matter.  Now, get Kristal Summers and Lisa Ann for Brokeback Mounting and I'm all in!

6.) No Country For Old Men
I admit that I am not a fan of the Coen brother's movies except for Fargo.  Quite honestly, I was really excited to see this flick.  And for 2 hours of the movie it delivered the goods.  As for the last 15 minutes of this movie?  Joel and Ethan Coen can shove it up Cormac McCarthey's (the author) ass, as far as I'm concerned.  Again, every critic in the free world praised this movie as a masterpiece and totally ignored the disappointing shitty ending.  The protagonist/Josh Brolin dies, off camera mind you, Tommy Lee Jones talks to a guy in a wheel chair, the villian gets into a meaningless car wreck and walks away from it, and Tommy Lee Jones explains to his wife that he had a couple of dreams--fade to black.  What is the result?  The Best Picture of The Year Award--makes perfect Academy Award sense.

Coming Soon: My Top 5