My 80's Movie Mixtape

This topic is tailor made for those of you out there who are as sick as I am--and you all know who you are ("Cornfeld, Hamilton, Brandt. Get a good one.")  If I had my way, this compilation would have been in my Panasonic dual cassette boom box on a constant loop back in '88.  (Don't forget to click on the song numbers for each song title and a nice full length version of each song.)  Enjoy!

Side A


Song # 1  from Commando  "No chance."

Song # 2  from Over The Top  "I drive trucks, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best."

Song #3  from Rocky IV  "Throw the towel, throw the damn towel!"

Song #4  from The Karate Kid  "I really like your car, Mrs. LaRusso!!"

Song #5  from Back To School  "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

Song #6   from Wildcats "You owe me a new watch...you pussies!"

Song #7  from Just One Of The Guys  "Aren't you embarassed? Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass anytime."

Song #8  from Beverly Hills Cop  "Phillip?!  Hey man, I new dat was you, he told me that wasn't you, said you don't come here no more, but I said it's Phil!"

Song #9  from 48hrs.  "I'm at Vromann's in the Filmore. No, I know you don't know about this place. The brothers hang out here."

Song #10  from Bachelor Party  "I wish I had someone that I could really respect. Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo!"

Side B


Song #1  from Road House  "Elvis! Play something...with balls!"

Song #2  from The Karate Kid  "Sweep the leg."

Song #3  from Fletch  "By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?"

Song #4  from All The Right Moves  "Hey guys, Stef's gotta problem with the goddamn mill!"

Song #5  from Revenge Of The Nerds "That's my pie."

Song #6  from Losin' It  "You know what that Tuck-and-Roll guy's doing right now? He's stuffing my seats with horseshit!"

Song #7  from Teen Wolf   "Shoot it, fatboy!"

Song #8  from Trading Places  "Hold up, man! Who's been puttin' out their Kools out on my floor? Who's been puttin' their Kools out on my floor?"

Song #9  from Can't Buy Me Love  "Oooh, Cards with the tards. Who could beat a night of cards, chips, dips and dorks?"

Song #10  from First Blood  "I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go."

OVER-rated (clap, clap, clap) OVER-rated (Part 2)

"And here...we...GO!"

5.) Blue Velvet
A severed human ear, a sexually depraved woman, the seedy under belly of the "perfect" suburban neighborhood, and a ruthlesss oxygen huffing madman--all rolled up into one hell of a mess of a movie.  I'm sure you'll be surprised that David Lynch (Mullholland Dr.) wrote and directed this horse apple.  Mr. Lynch just isn't having any fun unless he's thoroughly confusing and misleading his audiences into submission.  Well sir, I choose not to participate--comence with your "surrealism" without me.

4.)  A Clockwork Orange
Even the movie's title reeks of pretentiousness. The movie is a dark satirical science fiction piece written (adapted from the novel) and directed by the habitually over praised Stanley Kubrick.  The movie is a sadists wet dream--non stop violence, rape, torture, and subversive undertones, overtones--middle tones.  This, apparently, is what's known as "brilliance" in Hollywood.  If this is brilliance, I'm more than happy with being a stupid human being.

3.) Do The Right Thing
This "Spike Lee Joint" movie enrages me every time that I think about it.  The film illustrates the racial tensions that occur during the hottest day of the summer in a multi-racial Brooklyn neighborhood.  Here's what happens in a nutshell.  Mookie (Spike Lee) is a pizza delivery man for Sal's Pizza. Sal, the Italian owner of Sal's Pizza,  (Danny Aiello) has pictures up on his wall of Italian movie stars and celebrities. Buggin' Out (Giancarlo Esposito) takes offense to this because he thinks Sal should put up pictures of black movie stars since Sal sells pizza in a black neighborhood to black people. When Sal refuses, Buggin' Out causes a disturbance and a commotion in Sal's and the cops are called.  Buggin' Out resists arrest, and then is accidentally killed by the cops.  Mookie, upset by what has gone down, picks up a garbage can and throws it through Sal's window inciting a riot and Sal's place is subsequently burned to the ground. Moral of the story?  If a store owner refuses to do something that you want him to do, throw a garbage can through his store front window and burn his place down. But only if the store owner is white (thus evil) and only if you (the garbage can thrower) is a minority.  Great message Spike.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire
I almost feel bad for putting this on my list because, honestly, I thought it was a good movie.  However, if a movie wins 8 Oscars, it better be a fucking phenomenal movie experience and it better change my life--it better be The Godfather II great, and not simply good.  One simple question for those of you playing at home: For those of you who have seen this movie (myself included), have you even had the slightest urge to watch it a second time?  I didn't think so. I rest my case.

1.) Titanic
Anyone surprised at this pick?  After all, this movie still reigns supreme as the highest grossing film of all time.  And why shouldn't it, considering all of its originality?  This flick is the perfect illustration of how high (as in smoked too much doob) American's movie I.Q. actually is.  Let's explore deeper (pun intended) into all of the spectacular qualities of this American masterpiece, shall we? The gag reflexing Celine Dion song that was played every other song on every radio station for 365 annoyingly long days, certainly didn't do the movie any favors with me.  Neither did the retread of the same old worn out "star crossed lovers" love story that should have died with its creator,William Shakespeare, in 1616.  Or how about the miscasting of Leonardo DiCaprio, who came off as a boy to Kate Winslet's slightly more elegant older character?   And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? Bill Paxton, as the ship's captain searching for the Titanic's wreakage.  (The man's best performance is still Chet from Weird Science for Christ sake!) The movie's costumes, sets, and special effects were superb, but Best Picture worthy?  I still think not.

OVER-rated (clap, clap, clap) OVER-rated! (Part 1)

Like Fast Eddie Felson said, "I'm Back!" And I'm here to address one of my very favorite movie topics to discuss with you guys--Overrated Movies.  Here are my #'s 6-10, with 1-5 to follow soon.

10.) Donnie Darko
I have seen the movie 3 or 4 times, and it still makes little sense to me.  This film makes a lot of people's list as a cult classic, but I will argue to the death that just because a movie makes no sense, doesn't necessarily make it "brilliant."  Having the always strange Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead doesn't help either, but I get the feeling that nothing would have helped this flick except maybe a re-write or 12.  Parallel universes, worm holes, a guy dressed up as a rabbit, and Patrick Swayze?  I'm shocked that it all didn't make more sense to me.

9.) The Royal Tennenbaums
It doesn't help this movie's case any that I fucking hate Wes Anderson and pretty much his whole body of pretentious work. Maybe I'm just not articulate enough (which is a solid argument) to grasp the hysterical concepts of Gwyneth Paltrow stoically smoking, Ben Stiller and kids wearing the same Addidas sweat suit, and Owen Wilson sporting a cowboy hat for two hours.  Or, just maybe I'm articulate enough to identify a pretentious piece of shit when I see one.

8.) Blade Runner
On paper it should be an absolute slam dunk.  Great cast. Great premise. Great special effects.  And then the movie begins.  Why, for the love of all that is holy and sacred, does every critic heap praise upon this movie?  What is so special about it?  I've seen it three times (which was really 12 times when I had to pause it and come back to it because it is so fucking boring) and I still don't get it.  Anyone?

7.) Brokeback Mountain
I'm convinced that every critic had no choice but to pile on the praise for this movie because it was the pc thing to do.  God forbid someone give this movie what it really deserves (2 stars--one for each of Anne Hathaway's beautiful sweater puppies shown in the film), or has any criticism for this movie at all.  Sure the movie's less than subtle sex scenes between Ledger and Gyllenhaal made me want to poke out my eye balls with my soda straw, but that isn't the reason that I thinks it's overrated.  I think it's overrated because it is an ordinary movie that critics claimed was extraordinary simply because of its subject matter.  Now, get Kristal Summers and Lisa Ann for Brokeback Mounting and I'm all in!

6.) No Country For Old Men
I admit that I am not a fan of the Coen brother's movies except for Fargo.  Quite honestly, I was really excited to see this flick.  And for 2 hours of the movie it delivered the goods.  As for the last 15 minutes of this movie?  Joel and Ethan Coen can shove it up Cormac McCarthey's (the author) ass, as far as I'm concerned.  Again, every critic in the free world praised this movie as a masterpiece and totally ignored the disappointing shitty ending.  The protagonist/Josh Brolin dies, off camera mind you, Tommy Lee Jones talks to a guy in a wheel chair, the villian gets into a meaningless car wreck and walks away from it, and Tommy Lee Jones explains to his wife that he had a couple of dreams--fade to black.  What is the result?  The Best Picture of The Year Award--makes perfect Academy Award sense.

Coming Soon: My Top 5

Mele Kalikimaka!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year suckers, I'm heading to Hawaii until January 5th!  So, you'll have to entertain yourselves for awhile.  "Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, Happy Hanukkah !"

My Favorite Movie Babes

Catherine Tramell Basic Instinct

OK, so she's a little pyschotic.  But damnit, you have to love a woman that "goes commando," lights up a cigarette even after she's told not to by the fuzz, and who also enjoys making out with women along the way.  She might very well fuck you to death, but what a way to go!

Erin Grant Striptease
An absolutely awful movie, but Demi Moore's "performance" was nothing short of brilliant! Mercy!

Ms. Tesmaucher Superman and Superman 2
My first movie crush was on Ms. Tesmaucher. She's smart, she's funny, she's gorgeous, and has always been one of my old school favs!

Pembrook Feeney Stroker Ace
Loni Anderson is definitely a Hall of Fall Blonde in my world.  She is often forgotten, but certainly not by me.  As the very innocent and extremely HOT Pembrook Feeney, Loni really shines in this very bad Burt Reynolds' flick.

Karen Cisco Out of Sight
I have never been a big fan of hers, but even I must admit that she is incredibly sexy in this flick! Allow me to introduce Exhibit A.

Kelly Van Ryan Wild Things
I may pick on her acting ability, but this beauty from Downer's Grove, IL really gets it done in this flick!

Mikaela Banes Transformers
I'm not a fan of either movie, and I really don't think that she has much acting ability...that being said, she does have a few things going for her.

Jordan Lee Jenson Private School
Is there anything left to say about the incredibly beautiful Betsey Russell?  Well, maybe just one more thing--she is still smoking hot!

Selene Underworld
The incredibly hot Kate Beckinsale certainly doesn't need skin tight leather clothing to be sexy, but it sure doesn't fucking hurt!

Honey Ryder Dr. No
Inexplicably, I finally got around to watching Dr. No this year--I have no idea how that happened? Why didn't you tell me about her earlier, Rooster??? I blame you.

All The Wrong Moves

Miscast [mis-kast, -kahst]

-verb (used with object), -casting.

1.  to assign an unsuitable role to (an actor): Tom was miscast as Romeo.

2. to allot (a role) to an unsuitable actor.

3. to select unsuitable actors for (a play, motion picture, or the like).

Katie Holmes Batman Begins and Maggie Gyllenhaal The Dark Knight
I have to group these two ladies together because one wouldn't have happened without the other. The photo above (left) perfectly illustrates what Christian Bale had to do in every scene that he had with Katie Holmes.  The role needed a pretty face, but one who could at least act her way out of a paper bag.   And as for Gyllenhaal, I have to pin this one on Katie Holmes, as well.  If her acting chops were even "He went to Jared" commercial quality, Maggie would have never been put into this predicament.  The miscasting of Katie Holmes lead to this unfortunate blunder.  Maggie is a fantastic actor, but she is really hard on the eyes no matter what The Joker says.  BTW, now that was some great acting!  How did he even keep a straight face while delivering the line, "Well, hello beautiful"?

Hayden Christenson Episode II and III
I've seen card board cut outs more dynamic than this guy.  This is arguably one of the most coveted roles for an actor to play and this is the guy they picked?  Maybe some of it can be blamed on George Lucas' less than fluid dialogue, but his acting ability coupled with his facial expressions would make Freddie Prinze Jr. proud.

Denise Richards The World is Not Enough
I'll say it loud and proud--I love this woman and I always have.  But Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones "nuclear scientest" is more than a bit of a stretch. What's next?  Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the next Bond villian--McKillin'?

Vince Vaughn Pyscho
Who green lighted this disaster?  Let's take one of the funniest and best improvisational actors of the last 15 years and cast him as a pyschotic, brooding, cross dressing killer?  Was the next pitch that day for Steven Segal as the lead in Forrest Gump?

Joan Allen Face/Off
She always seemed oddly out of place in the role of Travolta's wife.  I mean she really is an attractive woman., but it seemed like they went way out of their way to make her look old and drab in this movie.  Not only that, she looks approximately 10 years older in this movie than she actually is.

Almost the entire cast of Summer Catch
This flick is a movie blogger's dream to discuss.  First and foremost, Matthew Lillard as a former USC catcher?  All 137 annoying lbs. of him?  The usually solid Brian Dennehy as a baseball coach uttering such awkward dialogue as, "Come on Ryan, stay out of this guy's kitchen."  Awkward in the fact that Dennehy sounded like he had no idea of what a guy's "kitchen" actually is. Freddie Prinze Jr. as a major league prospect (I think that I've voiced my opinion on this on numerous occasions)?  Wilmer Valderrama (the foreign kid from That 70's Show) as a baseball player period.  And John C. McGinley as a Phillie scout is just priceless--he signs a head case that argues with umps, implodes whenever he has men on base, and has been kicked off of his two previous teams for fighting with teammates? About the only people perfectly cast in this flick was Brittany Murphy as a skanky bar waitress (a spot on match) and Fred Ward as the grumpy father.

Danny Glover Predator 2
The movie should have never been made to begin with, but if you're going to do it, at the very least bring back Arnold.  I have always liked Danny Glover, he's a fine actor--so why do you pair him up with Bill Paxton? Can you hamstring the man any more? What, was Keanu busy?

Adam Sandler The Longest Yard
This sounds totally believeable--short, unathletic Jew in the role of an ex-NFL star QB? Awful casting choice!

Margot Kidder Superman I and II 
I have to hand it to K-Dogg for pointing this one out to me.  Now, I don't profess to be a 70's movie expert, but certainly they could have cast a much more attractive Lois Lane.  Granted, she was a solid as Lois Lane acting wise, but your're telling me that you'd give up your super powers for a piece of her?  No way! For Ms. Tesmaucher--now you're talking!

Sofia Coppola  The Godfather III
What is there left to say? Bad, bad, bad, bad! Nepitism at it's worst!

Once You Go Fat, You Never Go Back

Where, oh, where have all of the great pleasantly plump comedians gone?  Oh yeah, overdose, heart failure, overdose, and heart failure.  Maybe that is the natural progression of the fat entertainer nowadays.  One can only hope that the trend continues with Cedric "The Entertainer"--quickly.

With that in mind, I think it's high time that someone paid homage to the great fat movie characters of our time.  I had to have one perameter though: Only one movie role per actor, otherwise John Candy and Rodney Dangerfield would comprise my whole list.  Here are some of my personal favorites:

10.) Mike Engleberg The Bad News Bears
He's the glue that held that infield together back in '76.  So what if he gets a little chocolate on the ball?  Or steals Olgilvie's hamburger.  And just ignore the fact that he can't button up his jersey.  Engleberg is the shit!

9.)  Chunk  The Goonies
I have three words for you--The Truffle Shuffle!

8.)  Chubby  Teen Wolf
Oliver Miller would have loved to have his FG % and body type for that matter.  Granted, there was no jump in his jump shot and his defense was suspect at best, but he was an integral part of that championship game!

7.)  Alan  The Hangover
The man looks like "Fat Jesus," is totally inapropriate at times, and is a complete idiot, but I love him!

6.)  Seth  Superbad
The similarities are eerie between high school me and Seth; we're both fat, we both loved Richard Pryor, and we both loved a good vagtastic voyage.  You have to hand it to him, it is a flawless high school plan. 

5.)  Bluto  Animal House
It may be redundant to have him on the blog again, but he was that classic!

4.)  Fat Bastard  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
The man sure is passionate about his dumps!

3.)  Tommy Callahan  Tommy Boy
Seven years in college?  (Sounds like someone that I know.)  The late Chris Farley was utterly fantastic in this role. And who wouldn't want to do this to a skinny friend? 

2.)  Del Griffith  Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
He's annoying.  He has some foot odor issues and talks a whole lot.  But he is a hell of a salesman and does anyone do The Mess Around any better?

1.) Thornton Melon  Back to School
The man is amazing.  He's a millionare.  He can still drink like a fish.  He can have intelligent political conversations.  He throws great parties.  And, remarkably, he's still in great shape for a fat guy!