One distinguishing characteristic of a great movie is being able to sustain it's strength from start to finish. A lot of movies get off to a strong start and keep that momentum throughout, while others tail off significantly during their second and third acts. Some movies, in my opinion, can still be classics even if their second halves seem to pale in comparison. Here are some of my favorite examples of this occurring in movies:
Scream (1996)
To be completely honest, the first 5 minutes of this movie scared the shit out of me. You knew that you weren't in for a run-o-the-mill slasher flick when they off a star like Drew Berrymore in the first 10 minutes. The movie pokes fun at all of the cliched horror films or yore, but by the the middle to end, it becomes just plain laughable--and maybe that's the point. It doesn't help that I despise Matthew Lillard, and this movie marks the onset of my hate affair with that mope.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1 star
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
This movie definitely "had me at hello." The first half is pure genius--great concept, solid cast, with many funny, quotable scenes: The Sex Panther scene--"60% of the time it works every time," and "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." That's some good shit right there! Then, inexplicably, it takes a wrong turn here and never seems to get back onto its original path--for me anyway. In my opinion, if this one kept up it's torrid first half pace, it could've been a true comedy classic, but unfortunately it didn't, in my estimation.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1/2 star
Stripes (1981)
It has taken me many years and numerous viewings of this movie to come to terms with this, but I can no longer deny it anymore. The movie's cast of characters is fantastic: Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Candy, Judge Reinhold, John Laroquette, with Warren Oates (SGT. Hulka) & Conrad Dunn (Psycho). The movie's story is great, but it almost seems like the writers had just enough material to get them past basic training, and then they didn't know where to go with the story. I think that the route that they chose to take of action/comedy was a poor choice to take, but I still love this movie in spite of it's flaws.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1.5 stars
Return of the Jedi (1983)
I know, I know, this sounds like blasphemy, but that doesn't mean that it's not true. Be honest with me and yourself, if I gave you a choice of either watching Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, or Return of the Jedi--wouldn't Jedi be third on your list? I don't blame George Lucas, I don't blame the actors, I don't even blame the story (although it has some flaws)-- I blame one thing and one thing only. That's when the movie ends for me personally. How do you follow up two brilliant, and somewhat dark films with such a weak, all too kid friendly third installment? I didn't get when I was 10, and I don't get at 36.
First Half (Before the Ewoks): 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
This film is the poster boy for this topic, isn't it? I'll be completely honest, after Private Pile shoots himself, I switch the channel. I have tried to watch the second half, but it feels like I'm watching a much inferior film, so I always abort the mission. Now, I have never been a Stanley Kubrick fan, and obviously I never will be since he's been taking a dirt nap for quite awhile now, but the first half of his movie is superb. Has there ever been a better casted drill sargent than SGT. Hartman? Sure SGT. Hulka and SGT. Foley (Louis Gossett Jr. in An Officer and a Gentleman) were great, but R. Lee Ermey's performance was pure perfection. And, sadly, that's where my praise must end. I simply have no interest in the second half of this film, and it's a shame because this really should have been a 4 star movie.
First Half: 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold
Whoever coined the phrase "Living well is the best revenge," must never have had the pleasure of sprinkling a teaspoon of revenge on their corn flakes in the morning. As many of you are aware, I'm a huge advocate of spite and all things that are inherently spiteful. For me, there is nothing more satisfying than to see some jackass get exactly what they have coming to them.
So, in light of that, here are a few of my favorite revenge flicks:
The Crow (1994)
This one has always been one of my favorite revenge flicks, even though it has its flaws--the writing isn't always that sharp, and the movie is a bit on the dark side (literally speaking, sometimes the cinematography is way too dark). With that being said, I love the story, the action sequences are great, and most importantly, everyone gets what's coming to them.
Man On Fire (2004)
Definitely an action/revenge flick with some heart, along with a lot of teeth. The story is fantastic with a twist here and there to keep the viewer on their toes. MOF sports a very solid cast of Denzel Washington, Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, Dakota Fanning, Radha Mitchell, and even a surprisingly believeable Marc Anthony (Mr. Jennifer Lopez). Denzel is at the top of his game here, which is perfectly illustrated in my favorite scene of the movie. Now that's the way you get even! Even Tony Scott's always annoying quick cut directing style cannot derail this great film.
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
Hands down the biggest sleeper of the bunch, but a fantastic revenge flick nevetheless. It's part dark comedy, part love story, but mostly just a finely crafted retribution flick--Kansas City Shuffle, anyone? How's this for a cast--Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley, Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Stanley Tucci, and one of my personal favorites, Mykelti Williamson (aka "Bird" from Wildcats). The movie has it all--great script, fantastic actors, and lots of quality action sequences! It's a sleeper but definitely worth your time if you haven't seen it.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Do I even need to insult your intelligence by going through all of its merits? This one is probably my favorite movie of all-time. Although it is not a classic shoot-em up revenge type film, it still manages to dole out enough satisfaction for all parties involved, doesn't it? Boggs gets his, Hadley too, and even Warden Norton gets payed back in spades. But the film's real achievment is that Red and Andy get exactly what they deserve, as well. The movie is perfect--outstanding story, exceptional acting, and a fantastic ending.
Sin City (2005)
I had absolutely zero expectations going into this one, and even if I did have any going in, it still would have blown them away. This is one of the most creative and visually stunning movies that has ever been made. This film marked the comeback of Mickey Rourke and oh, what a return it is! Marv is one of the toughest movie characters ever imagined--he could probably tear John Matrix in half and use Rambo as toilet paper. Also pitching in great performances are Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Benicio Del Toro, Powers Boothe, Rosario Dawson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, and the always lovely Jessica Alba. I'm still waiting with great anticipation for Sin City 2, which seems like it will never be made. At the very least, we will always have this masterpiece.
Braveheart (1995)
Speaking of masterpieces. Seriously, if this speech doesn't get your motor going, nothing will! Enraged by the slaying of his wife at the hands of English soldiers, William Wallace (Mel Gibson) takes on the evil Edward the Longshanks and virtually all of England in order to exact revenge, and to free all of Scotland. Now that is one pissed off Scotsman! And how bad ass are the battle scenes in this movie? They're unbelieveable! Also, the soundtrack is amazing, the authentic battle scenes are crazy good, and the acting is fantastic. Truly a four star movie!
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Kung-fu movies are not my thing--never have been. However, it is impossible to ignore the greatness of this movie (I considerate it one movie). Even though it is broken up into two films for time's sake, I get the definite feeling that I wouldn't have cared less if this one ran 8 hrs.--it's that superb! The story is outstanding, the casting and direction, as with most Tarantino movies, are exceptional, and it is one great scene piled on top of the next great scene! Although they are over the top and meant to be so, the action sequences are some of the very best that I have ever seen. Tarantino also creates some truly unforgettable characters in this one-- Uma Thurman is outstanding as "The Bride"/Beatrix Kiddo, David Carradine is a perfect Bill, and Michael Madsen, Vivica A. Fox, Darryl Hannah, and Lucy Liu are the perfect double-crossing group of assasains. If that weren't enough, Go Go Yubari and Pai Mei are tossed into the mix for added flavor. Even the ending has its own unique greatness--STOP SPOILERS AHEAD--it is a gratifying ending to a brilliant film.. It's hard, if not damn near impossible, to make a revenge flick this good, but Tarantino did it.
So, in light of that, here are a few of my favorite revenge flicks:
The Crow (1994)
This one has always been one of my favorite revenge flicks, even though it has its flaws--the writing isn't always that sharp, and the movie is a bit on the dark side (literally speaking, sometimes the cinematography is way too dark). With that being said, I love the story, the action sequences are great, and most importantly, everyone gets what's coming to them.
Man On Fire (2004)
Definitely an action/revenge flick with some heart, along with a lot of teeth. The story is fantastic with a twist here and there to keep the viewer on their toes. MOF sports a very solid cast of Denzel Washington, Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, Dakota Fanning, Radha Mitchell, and even a surprisingly believeable Marc Anthony (Mr. Jennifer Lopez). Denzel is at the top of his game here, which is perfectly illustrated in my favorite scene of the movie. Now that's the way you get even! Even Tony Scott's always annoying quick cut directing style cannot derail this great film.
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
Hands down the biggest sleeper of the bunch, but a fantastic revenge flick nevetheless. It's part dark comedy, part love story, but mostly just a finely crafted retribution flick--Kansas City Shuffle, anyone? How's this for a cast--Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley, Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Stanley Tucci, and one of my personal favorites, Mykelti Williamson (aka "Bird" from Wildcats). The movie has it all--great script, fantastic actors, and lots of quality action sequences! It's a sleeper but definitely worth your time if you haven't seen it.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Do I even need to insult your intelligence by going through all of its merits? This one is probably my favorite movie of all-time. Although it is not a classic shoot-em up revenge type film, it still manages to dole out enough satisfaction for all parties involved, doesn't it? Boggs gets his, Hadley too, and even Warden Norton gets payed back in spades. But the film's real achievment is that Red and Andy get exactly what they deserve, as well. The movie is perfect--outstanding story, exceptional acting, and a fantastic ending.
Sin City (2005)
I had absolutely zero expectations going into this one, and even if I did have any going in, it still would have blown them away. This is one of the most creative and visually stunning movies that has ever been made. This film marked the comeback of Mickey Rourke and oh, what a return it is! Marv is one of the toughest movie characters ever imagined--he could probably tear John Matrix in half and use Rambo as toilet paper. Also pitching in great performances are Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Benicio Del Toro, Powers Boothe, Rosario Dawson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, and the always lovely Jessica Alba. I'm still waiting with great anticipation for Sin City 2, which seems like it will never be made. At the very least, we will always have this masterpiece.
Braveheart (1995)
Speaking of masterpieces. Seriously, if this speech doesn't get your motor going, nothing will! Enraged by the slaying of his wife at the hands of English soldiers, William Wallace (Mel Gibson) takes on the evil Edward the Longshanks and virtually all of England in order to exact revenge, and to free all of Scotland. Now that is one pissed off Scotsman! And how bad ass are the battle scenes in this movie? They're unbelieveable! Also, the soundtrack is amazing, the authentic battle scenes are crazy good, and the acting is fantastic. Truly a four star movie!
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Kung-fu movies are not my thing--never have been. However, it is impossible to ignore the greatness of this movie (I considerate it one movie). Even though it is broken up into two films for time's sake, I get the definite feeling that I wouldn't have cared less if this one ran 8 hrs.--it's that superb! The story is outstanding, the casting and direction, as with most Tarantino movies, are exceptional, and it is one great scene piled on top of the next great scene! Although they are over the top and meant to be so, the action sequences are some of the very best that I have ever seen. Tarantino also creates some truly unforgettable characters in this one-- Uma Thurman is outstanding as "The Bride"/Beatrix Kiddo, David Carradine is a perfect Bill, and Michael Madsen, Vivica A. Fox, Darryl Hannah, and Lucy Liu are the perfect double-crossing group of assasains. If that weren't enough, Go Go Yubari and Pai Mei are tossed into the mix for added flavor. Even the ending has its own unique greatness--STOP SPOILERS AHEAD--it is a gratifying ending to a brilliant film.. It's hard, if not damn near impossible, to make a revenge flick this good, but Tarantino did it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Here I Go Again
This weekend, as I settled in to what had to be my 112th viewing of Rocky III, I challenged myself to narrow down a list of 10 movies which I refer to as the "I'm Compelled To Watch This Movie Everytime It's On" movies. These are the movies that if found watching by your wife, girlfriend, parents, etc., will illicit the obvious inquiry of, You're watching that again? I have to be honest, narrowing the field down to 10 sounds a lot easier than it actually is to do. I came up with 10 in precisely 6.4 seconds. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon beating myself up for leaving an obvious one off of my list. So, I had to compromise. I gave myself a top 10, with 5 honorable mentions.
So here is my personal list and my five honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions:
15.) The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Favorite quote: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
14.) Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Favorite quote: Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.
13.) Sixteen Candles (1984)
Favorite quote: Hey Howie, there's your Chinaman.
12.) Risky Business (1983)
Favorite quote: Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
11.) Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Favorite quote: I just didn't walk into this town from the cotton fields, Axel.
My Personal Top 10
10.) Goodfellas (1990)
Favorite quote: You took your first pinch like a man and you learned the two greatest things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
9.) Rounders (1998)
Favorite quote: I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.
8.) Major League (1989)
Favorite quote: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
7.) Fletch (1986)
Favorite quote: Gail Stanwyk: Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
6.) 48 hrs. (1982)
Favorite quote: Reggie: You said bullshit and experience is all it takes, right?
Jack: Right.
Reggie: Come on in and experience some of my bullshit.
5.) Rocky III (1982)
Favorite quote: You know, Stallion? It's too bad we gotta get old, huh?
4.) Cocktail (1988)
Favorite quote: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone!
3.) Predator (1987)
Favorite quote: Billy: I'm scared Poncho.
Poncho: Bullshit. You ain't afraid of no man.
Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.
2.) The Karate Kid (1984)
Favorite quote: Daniel: What's that guy kneeling like that for?
Miyagi: Don't know.
Daniel: Don't you know anything you can tell me?
Miyagi: Hai. No get hit.
1.) Road House (1989)
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
Have fun trying to narrow your list down to 15.
So here is my personal list and my five honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions:
15.) The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Favorite quote: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
14.) Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Favorite quote: Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.
13.) Sixteen Candles (1984)
Favorite quote: Hey Howie, there's your Chinaman.
12.) Risky Business (1983)
Favorite quote: Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
11.) Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Favorite quote: I just didn't walk into this town from the cotton fields, Axel.
My Personal Top 10
10.) Goodfellas (1990)
Favorite quote: You took your first pinch like a man and you learned the two greatest things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
9.) Rounders (1998)
Favorite quote: I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.
8.) Major League (1989)
Favorite quote: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
7.) Fletch (1986)
Favorite quote: Gail Stanwyk: Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
6.) 48 hrs. (1982)
Favorite quote: Reggie: You said bullshit and experience is all it takes, right?
Jack: Right.
Reggie: Come on in and experience some of my bullshit.
5.) Rocky III (1982)
Favorite quote: You know, Stallion? It's too bad we gotta get old, huh?
4.) Cocktail (1988)
Favorite quote: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone!
3.) Predator (1987)
Favorite quote: Billy: I'm scared Poncho.
Poncho: Bullshit. You ain't afraid of no man.
Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.
2.) The Karate Kid (1984)
Favorite quote: Daniel: What's that guy kneeling like that for?
Miyagi: Don't know.
Daniel: Don't you know anything you can tell me?
Miyagi: Hai. No get hit.
1.) Road House (1989)
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
Have fun trying to narrow your list down to 15.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Up All Night, Sleep All Day
For those of you looking for a tribute page for the 80's-90's hair band Slaughter, I'm sorry, you've come to wrong place. Although, I still do love the song "Fly to the Angels"--sue me. Today, I am here to honor a once great TV program that I watched religiously, and that also got me through some very trying times as a teenager. This show guided me through those lonely Friday and Saturday nights before I had my driver's license, and before I could find a girl dumb enough to play "the tip game" with me.
Stumped? Maybe this commercial will refresh your memory.
Yes my fellow movie buffs, I'm talking about the legendary TV show USA's Up All Nite. To be quite honest, I was much more of a Rhonda Shear fan than Gilbert Godfried, for very obvious reasons. Let's just say that I ruined about 36 boxes of Kleenex between '87-'90 because of Rhonda, and the risque B movies that were aired late on those weekends. Ah, the simpler times, my friends.
I wanted to pay homage to this fantastic show and all of the great 80's B-movies and cult classics that it ran every weekend of my youth. So, in my infinite wisdom, I have created the USA Up All Nite Movie Hall of Fame." I am going to honor a few of my very favorite movies that I remember, uh-um, "enjoying" every weekend as a teenager. Each movie was graded upon two aspects 1-10, with 10 being the highest: Gratuitous Nudity Factor (GNF) and Absurd Plot Factor (APF)--hey, we have high standards over here at the Academy. Here are my first ballot Hall of Fame selections:
Hardbodies (1984)
This movie embodies the essence of the USA Up All Nite movie experience, doesn't guys? This movie trailer says it all! Three middle aged men head to the California coast in search of 20 year-old chicks. The plan backfires because, while they are all rich and successful, they are old farts and terrible with the ladies. That's when they meet Scotty Palmer and employ him to revamp their style and help them meet some...Harbodies (insert movie voice guy here). The movie itself is laughable, but it has great scenery and lots of 80's cheese!
GNF: 9 APF:10
Zapped! (1982)
I have two words for you, Heather Thomas! She is the reason that I used to own this movie on VHS, and could be the reason that I fell in love with blondes at such an early age. It just doesn't get much more 80's than this kids--Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, and Aunt Esther from "Sanford and Son!" Really, what more could one want, or need from a bad 80's flick? GNF: 8 APF: 12
Secret Admirer (1985)
I have two more words for you--Kelly Preston. If she's not enough, we got a young and very hot Lori Loughlin, as well. As for the movie itself, it's actually very funny with a solid premise to boot.. It also sports a solid 80's cast of C. Thomas Howell (Michael Ryan), Fred Ward (Lou Fimple), who nearly steals the show, Corey Haim (Michael's brother), Kelly Preston (Deborah Ann Fimple), Lori Loughlin (Toni), and the hilarious Casey Siemaszko (Roger). My favorite scene, other than every Kelly Preston scene, is this exchange between Michael and Lou Fimple: Michael: "Good evening, Mr. Fimple!" Lou Fimple: "Fuck you!" Funny shit! GNF: 9 APF: 8
Fraternity Vacation (1985)
This one has all of the key cornerstones of the quintessential 80's spring break flick, which is beautifully illustrated in this snippet from the movie. It's all there for you, the bad 80' synthesizer music, palm trees, the wacky DJ on everyone's radio, convertibles crowding the streets, the Fort Lauderdale setting, the nerd make-over montage, half naked women everywhere willing to sleep with anyone who asks nicely, the rich pricks, the unattainable girl--pretty much everything that my spring break experience wasn't. Still, a memorable cast of characters with a great 80's movie trailer--a young Tim Robbins as Larry "Mother" Tucker, Joe (Cameron Dye), the protypical 80's nerd Wendell Tvedt (Stephen Geoffreys), the rich assholes Chas Lawlor III (Leigh McCloskey) and J.C. Springer (Matt McCoy), and the unattainable hottie Ashley Taylor (Shere J. Wilson) who, of course, falls for the nerdy Wendell. Definitely, one of my favorites from my Up All Nite days.
GNF: 9 APF: 11
Private School (1983)
Back in the day, as long as the movie title started with the word Private, you knew you were in for some solid softcore hijinks (Private Resort, Private Lessons, etc.) This one has it all. A solid cast: the gorgeous Phoebe Cates (Christine), Matthew Modine (Jim, although he'll always be Louden Swain to me), Sylvia Kristel (Ms. Copalleta), and the wonderfully "talented" Betsy Russell (Jordan Leigh Jenson). A solid premise: Christine is in love with Jim, Jim is in love with Christine, Jordan is Christine's arch rival so, of course, she wants Jim and and will stop at nothing (thankfully) to steal him away from Christine. And Sylvia Kristel is thrown into the mix because she was in Private Lessons, so why not Private School? And, lastly, plenty of sexual situations that we wished happened to us when we were 17 years old! This one is a true Up All Nite classic! GNF: 12 APF: 10
Others receiving votes: Spring Break, Loverboy, Private Lessons, My Tudor, Tomboy, and Losin' It. Not to worry, there's always next year.
Stumped? Maybe this commercial will refresh your memory.
Yes my fellow movie buffs, I'm talking about the legendary TV show USA's Up All Nite. To be quite honest, I was much more of a Rhonda Shear fan than Gilbert Godfried, for very obvious reasons. Let's just say that I ruined about 36 boxes of Kleenex between '87-'90 because of Rhonda, and the risque B movies that were aired late on those weekends. Ah, the simpler times, my friends.
I wanted to pay homage to this fantastic show and all of the great 80's B-movies and cult classics that it ran every weekend of my youth. So, in my infinite wisdom, I have created the USA Up All Nite Movie Hall of Fame." I am going to honor a few of my very favorite movies that I remember, uh-um, "enjoying" every weekend as a teenager. Each movie was graded upon two aspects 1-10, with 10 being the highest: Gratuitous Nudity Factor (GNF) and Absurd Plot Factor (APF)--hey, we have high standards over here at the Academy. Here are my first ballot Hall of Fame selections:
Hardbodies (1984)
This movie embodies the essence of the USA Up All Nite movie experience, doesn't guys? This movie trailer says it all! Three middle aged men head to the California coast in search of 20 year-old chicks. The plan backfires because, while they are all rich and successful, they are old farts and terrible with the ladies. That's when they meet Scotty Palmer and employ him to revamp their style and help them meet some...Harbodies (insert movie voice guy here). The movie itself is laughable, but it has great scenery and lots of 80's cheese!
GNF: 9 APF:10
Zapped! (1982)
I have two words for you, Heather Thomas! She is the reason that I used to own this movie on VHS, and could be the reason that I fell in love with blondes at such an early age. It just doesn't get much more 80's than this kids--Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, and Aunt Esther from "Sanford and Son!" Really, what more could one want, or need from a bad 80's flick? GNF: 8 APF: 12
Secret Admirer (1985)
I have two more words for you--Kelly Preston. If she's not enough, we got a young and very hot Lori Loughlin, as well. As for the movie itself, it's actually very funny with a solid premise to boot.. It also sports a solid 80's cast of C. Thomas Howell (Michael Ryan), Fred Ward (Lou Fimple), who nearly steals the show, Corey Haim (Michael's brother), Kelly Preston (Deborah Ann Fimple), Lori Loughlin (Toni), and the hilarious Casey Siemaszko (Roger). My favorite scene, other than every Kelly Preston scene, is this exchange between Michael and Lou Fimple: Michael: "Good evening, Mr. Fimple!" Lou Fimple: "Fuck you!" Funny shit! GNF: 9 APF: 8
Fraternity Vacation (1985)
This one has all of the key cornerstones of the quintessential 80's spring break flick, which is beautifully illustrated in this snippet from the movie. It's all there for you, the bad 80' synthesizer music, palm trees, the wacky DJ on everyone's radio, convertibles crowding the streets, the Fort Lauderdale setting, the nerd make-over montage, half naked women everywhere willing to sleep with anyone who asks nicely, the rich pricks, the unattainable girl--pretty much everything that my spring break experience wasn't. Still, a memorable cast of characters with a great 80's movie trailer--a young Tim Robbins as Larry "Mother" Tucker, Joe (Cameron Dye), the protypical 80's nerd Wendell Tvedt (Stephen Geoffreys), the rich assholes Chas Lawlor III (Leigh McCloskey) and J.C. Springer (Matt McCoy), and the unattainable hottie Ashley Taylor (Shere J. Wilson) who, of course, falls for the nerdy Wendell. Definitely, one of my favorites from my Up All Nite days.
GNF: 9 APF: 11
Private School (1983)
Back in the day, as long as the movie title started with the word Private, you knew you were in for some solid softcore hijinks (Private Resort, Private Lessons, etc.) This one has it all. A solid cast: the gorgeous Phoebe Cates (Christine), Matthew Modine (Jim, although he'll always be Louden Swain to me), Sylvia Kristel (Ms. Copalleta), and the wonderfully "talented" Betsy Russell (Jordan Leigh Jenson). A solid premise: Christine is in love with Jim, Jim is in love with Christine, Jordan is Christine's arch rival so, of course, she wants Jim and and will stop at nothing (thankfully) to steal him away from Christine. And Sylvia Kristel is thrown into the mix because she was in Private Lessons, so why not Private School? And, lastly, plenty of sexual situations that we wished happened to us when we were 17 years old! This one is a true Up All Nite classic! GNF: 12 APF: 10
Others receiving votes: Spring Break, Loverboy, Private Lessons, My Tudor, Tomboy, and Losin' It. Not to worry, there's always next year.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Rematches That I'd Pay To See
You may have noticed that my little movie universe is a tad different from most. Little things about movies bother me, and I never seem to get past them. Questions such as--Who would win in a fight between Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang, or Did Joe Cain (The Program) win the Heisman in his senior year at ESU?-- still plague me to this day (these topics are definitely best discussed after 12 or 13 beers).
Other scenarios that haunt my movie brain are rematches that should have taken place but inexplicably haven't. As Sydney Deane (Wesley Snipes) declared in White Men Can't Jump, "If the sun shines long enough, it even shines on a dog's ass some days--anyone can win the lottery"--terrible movie, I know (which doesn't explain why I've seen it 10 times), but he did have a point. Here are a few movie rematches that I would have loved to see take place, and how I think that they would've played out.
Dean Youngblood vs. Racki (Youngblood 1986)
I'll give Rob Lowe props, he is and has always been a "cocksman"--it almost ruined his career back in the late 80's. However, would anyone ever confuse him with Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose)--he can't even look tough with blood on his jersey and a chipped tooth! On the other hand Racki (even his name scares me), looks like he could whip some serious ass. The Verdict: It has to be Racki, doesn't it? I suspect it would last about 17 seconds before Youngblood was spitting teeth! But he'd always have the lovely Cynthia Gibb to dress his wounds.
Yankees vs. Bears (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Sure, the Yankees had better personnel and a slightly smarter x's & o's manager, and they still only beat the Bears by one run in the championship. And even though Buttermaker was a fall down drunk, he was still very baseball savvy and definitely knew how to motivate his team. Also, let's not forget that Amanda didn't even have one day's rest between starts, so her arm was far less than 100%. Buttermaker also pulled out Tobey, Tanner, Reggie, and Jimmy at a pivitol moment in that game so that Lupus, Miguel, Jose, and Ogilvie could have a chance to play. Surprisingly, even with the line-up switch, the Bears almost pulled off the upset.
The Verdict: Baseball is a very funny game, so I'm going with the Bears 4-2. With a healthy Amanda on the bump, Kelley Leak hitting clean-up, and the line-up at full strength, I think they'd take the Yankees the next time they faced them.
Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang (Rocky III 1982)
You're telling me that not one boxing promoter in the world thought that a few bucks could be made from a Balboa vs. Lang rubber match fight? Nobody thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, there might be some interest in seeing a third match between these two? OK, we all know the story-- Clubber dismantled Rocky in their first meeting. Then, in the rematch Rocky knocks Clubber out to regain his title. The Verdict: I think Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun) said it best when he said, "I don't know a lot about boxing, all I know is never bet on the white guy." I don't think I'd bet against a super-pissed off Clubber either, would you? I fully believe that Clubber would knock Rocky out in the 2nd round if they had fought for a third time. Just my humble opinion.
Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid 1984)
If ever a rematch was needed, this would be the instance! I have seen this movie approximately 438 times, and I still get major chills when Daniel crane kicks Johnny in the melon to take home the trophy!! The movie is a work of art, and I wouldn't change a thing about it--except for the fact that Ali (with an i) had no hot friends, a little disappointing--the movie is pure perfection. The Verdict: If there was a rematch at the All-Valley Karate Tournament the following year, I would bet the house on Johnny Lawrence! Think about all of the the things that would drive Johnny's rage during those next 365 days: Daniel beat him in the championship match the year before, Daniel is nailing his ex, and he'll probably be parading her around Golf N' Stuff in his new yellow convertible for the next year. Imagine having to stomach this crap for the next year if you're Johnny Lawrence! As much as I hate to say it, I'm thinking Daniel's victory was a fluke and thus, I would have to believe that Johnny would thoroughly whip his ass if they met again. It's probably a good thing that this rematch never took place.
Other scenarios that haunt my movie brain are rematches that should have taken place but inexplicably haven't. As Sydney Deane (Wesley Snipes) declared in White Men Can't Jump, "If the sun shines long enough, it even shines on a dog's ass some days--anyone can win the lottery"--terrible movie, I know (which doesn't explain why I've seen it 10 times), but he did have a point. Here are a few movie rematches that I would have loved to see take place, and how I think that they would've played out.
Dean Youngblood vs. Racki (Youngblood 1986)
I'll give Rob Lowe props, he is and has always been a "cocksman"--it almost ruined his career back in the late 80's. However, would anyone ever confuse him with Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose)--he can't even look tough with blood on his jersey and a chipped tooth! On the other hand Racki (even his name scares me), looks like he could whip some serious ass. The Verdict: It has to be Racki, doesn't it? I suspect it would last about 17 seconds before Youngblood was spitting teeth! But he'd always have the lovely Cynthia Gibb to dress his wounds.
Yankees vs. Bears (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Sure, the Yankees had better personnel and a slightly smarter x's & o's manager, and they still only beat the Bears by one run in the championship. And even though Buttermaker was a fall down drunk, he was still very baseball savvy and definitely knew how to motivate his team. Also, let's not forget that Amanda didn't even have one day's rest between starts, so her arm was far less than 100%. Buttermaker also pulled out Tobey, Tanner, Reggie, and Jimmy at a pivitol moment in that game so that Lupus, Miguel, Jose, and Ogilvie could have a chance to play. Surprisingly, even with the line-up switch, the Bears almost pulled off the upset.
The Verdict: Baseball is a very funny game, so I'm going with the Bears 4-2. With a healthy Amanda on the bump, Kelley Leak hitting clean-up, and the line-up at full strength, I think they'd take the Yankees the next time they faced them.
Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang (Rocky III 1982)
You're telling me that not one boxing promoter in the world thought that a few bucks could be made from a Balboa vs. Lang rubber match fight? Nobody thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, there might be some interest in seeing a third match between these two? OK, we all know the story-- Clubber dismantled Rocky in their first meeting. Then, in the rematch Rocky knocks Clubber out to regain his title. The Verdict: I think Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun) said it best when he said, "I don't know a lot about boxing, all I know is never bet on the white guy." I don't think I'd bet against a super-pissed off Clubber either, would you? I fully believe that Clubber would knock Rocky out in the 2nd round if they had fought for a third time. Just my humble opinion.
Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid 1984)
If ever a rematch was needed, this would be the instance! I have seen this movie approximately 438 times, and I still get major chills when Daniel crane kicks Johnny in the melon to take home the trophy!! The movie is a work of art, and I wouldn't change a thing about it--except for the fact that Ali (with an i) had no hot friends, a little disappointing--the movie is pure perfection. The Verdict: If there was a rematch at the All-Valley Karate Tournament the following year, I would bet the house on Johnny Lawrence! Think about all of the the things that would drive Johnny's rage during those next 365 days: Daniel beat him in the championship match the year before, Daniel is nailing his ex, and he'll probably be parading her around Golf N' Stuff in his new yellow convertible for the next year. Imagine having to stomach this crap for the next year if you're Johnny Lawrence! As much as I hate to say it, I'm thinking Daniel's victory was a fluke and thus, I would have to believe that Johnny would thoroughly whip his ass if they met again. It's probably a good thing that this rematch never took place.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Straight Eye For The Queer Guy
Let's face it, not all movie villains are created equal. Some of them are unforgettable, like Darth Vader, Hannibal Lechter, and the Shark in Jaws. Some we forget about before we even finish our popcorn in the theater, like Castor Troy (Face-Off), Jigsaw (Saw 1-19), or Earl Talbot Blake (Ricochet)--see what I mean. Sometimes though, a villain can leave a somewhat different lasting impression on us. Here are a few villains that have caused me to raise an eyebrow (or four) over the years with some of their odd "behaviors." These are my list of villains that I suspect, shall we say, play for the other team. "Not that there's anything wrong with that"--many thanks, Seinfeld. Let's just refer to them as the "Ambiguously Gay Movie Villains."
Victor Maitland (Beverly Hills Cop 1984)
You cannot own a house like his in Beverly Hills, or be as rich as he his without having at least one hot babe around you at all times--it was the '80's, after all. Think about it. He has all that money, he dresses well, he's tan, he belongs to The Harrow Club, and the the one person that he chooses to take to brunch--his #1 henchman Zack? I mean Brad Wesley (from Roadhouse) had orgies in his pool almost every night, and he didn't have half of the scratch that Maitland appeared to have at his disposal--Maitland had a compound for God sake! And is it me, or is he checking out Axel's unit in this picture? Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 7 out of 10
General Zod (Superman II 1980)
OK, I could almost overlook the fact that he's wearing patten leather from head to toe. I might also look the other way at the fact that he's perfectly groomed, and he's awfully pompous/bitchy. Wasn't he in The Phantom Zone for 25 years? Not one hair is out of place on his head! But what I cannot ignore is his insistance for Superman and every other man that he crosses paths with to to kneel before him. Also, look who he's hanging out with--does Ursa strike you as being feminine? Here's my theory as to what happened on Krypton: Zod and Ursa came out of the closet and were treated like outcasts by the Kryptonians, so they hired Non as their muscle and tried to take over Krypton. Jor-El and the council were all homo-phobes, so they banished General Zod, Ursa, and Non to The Phantom Zone for eternity. Pretty solid theory if you ask me. Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9 out of 10
Hans Gruber (Die Hard 1988)
Probably the most open and shut case if it weren't for my next example. Has there ever been a cooler, well groomed, better dressed, or more well read villain in movie history? I mean the man quote's from Plutarch's (AD46-126) Life of Alexander, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." Who throws out such an obscure line like that during a hostage situation? He also carries around a leather bound day planner as his terrorist itinerary booklet. If that weren't enough, he knew exactly what suit manufacturer Mr. Takagi was wearing (albeit before he blew his brains out) and remarked how he had two himself at home. I rest my case.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9.5 out of 10
Bennett (Commando 1985)
Bennett is the Ted Williams of this category. Where do I even begin with this one--there is so much evidence throughout the whole movie. Let's start with his clothing, shall we? The mustache was obvious enough, but the gray mesh tank top over a black sleeveless t-shirt, the thick silver necklace with dog tags, the black leather pants, and black leather gloves with the fingers cut out, was less than subtle. Also, was Bennett the least athletic villain there has ever been? Just note the way he throws his gun away before he fights Matrix at the end--I've seen 4 year-old girls with better form than that. Not to mention his facial expressions before he actually throws the gun away--Jizz in My Pants comes to mind--if you'll pardon the expression. And lastly, I can't be the only one to notice the obvious sexual tension between Bennett and Matrix, can I? Well, maybe, but it's there, just watch the movie 30 more times.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 13 out of 10
Other nominees, although I have zero cinematic proof: Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon), Jimmy (Roadhouse), John Doe (Seven), and Norman Bates (Psycho).
Victor Maitland (Beverly Hills Cop 1984)
You cannot own a house like his in Beverly Hills, or be as rich as he his without having at least one hot babe around you at all times--it was the '80's, after all. Think about it. He has all that money, he dresses well, he's tan, he belongs to The Harrow Club, and the the one person that he chooses to take to brunch--his #1 henchman Zack? I mean Brad Wesley (from Roadhouse) had orgies in his pool almost every night, and he didn't have half of the scratch that Maitland appeared to have at his disposal--Maitland had a compound for God sake! And is it me, or is he checking out Axel's unit in this picture? Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 7 out of 10
General Zod (Superman II 1980)
OK, I could almost overlook the fact that he's wearing patten leather from head to toe. I might also look the other way at the fact that he's perfectly groomed, and he's awfully pompous/bitchy. Wasn't he in The Phantom Zone for 25 years? Not one hair is out of place on his head! But what I cannot ignore is his insistance for Superman and every other man that he crosses paths with to to kneel before him. Also, look who he's hanging out with--does Ursa strike you as being feminine? Here's my theory as to what happened on Krypton: Zod and Ursa came out of the closet and were treated like outcasts by the Kryptonians, so they hired Non as their muscle and tried to take over Krypton. Jor-El and the council were all homo-phobes, so they banished General Zod, Ursa, and Non to The Phantom Zone for eternity. Pretty solid theory if you ask me. Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9 out of 10
Hans Gruber (Die Hard 1988)
Probably the most open and shut case if it weren't for my next example. Has there ever been a cooler, well groomed, better dressed, or more well read villain in movie history? I mean the man quote's from Plutarch's (AD46-126) Life of Alexander, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." Who throws out such an obscure line like that during a hostage situation? He also carries around a leather bound day planner as his terrorist itinerary booklet. If that weren't enough, he knew exactly what suit manufacturer Mr. Takagi was wearing (albeit before he blew his brains out) and remarked how he had two himself at home. I rest my case.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9.5 out of 10
Bennett (Commando 1985)
Bennett is the Ted Williams of this category. Where do I even begin with this one--there is so much evidence throughout the whole movie. Let's start with his clothing, shall we? The mustache was obvious enough, but the gray mesh tank top over a black sleeveless t-shirt, the thick silver necklace with dog tags, the black leather pants, and black leather gloves with the fingers cut out, was less than subtle. Also, was Bennett the least athletic villain there has ever been? Just note the way he throws his gun away before he fights Matrix at the end--I've seen 4 year-old girls with better form than that. Not to mention his facial expressions before he actually throws the gun away--Jizz in My Pants comes to mind--if you'll pardon the expression. And lastly, I can't be the only one to notice the obvious sexual tension between Bennett and Matrix, can I? Well, maybe, but it's there, just watch the movie 30 more times.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 13 out of 10
Other nominees, although I have zero cinematic proof: Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon), Jimmy (Roadhouse), John Doe (Seven), and Norman Bates (Psycho).
Friday, October 9, 2009
Don't You (Forget About Me)
I'm a child of the 80's. I owned Thriller and Purple Rain on vinyl. I watched Family Ties, Silver Spoons, and The A Team religously. I was known to "pop" my collar, I patterned my laugh after Eddie Murphy's, and I even squeezed my fat ass into a pair of parachute pants to impress Michelle DiNardo--my 6th grade girlfriend.
In my opinion, the 1980's gave us some great cinema and launched more than a few mega-star's careers. John Hughes was the godfather of the 80's flick and rightfully so with such classics as Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, and Weird Science, just to name a few. Although I love those movies, as well as, a ton of other very popular 80's flicks, I wanted to pay homage to a few other great flicks that remain severely underrated to this day. There are thousands of examples, but here are a few of my personal favorites.
The Flamingo Kid (1984)
Great 80's fun here, kids. We have a solid cast of Matt Dillon as Jeffery Willis, a young kid from the Bronx who falls into a summer job at the el Flamingo beach club, a hilariously sacrastic Hector Elizondo as Jeffery's father, the yummy Janet Jones (Mrs. Wayne Gretsky), and the late great Richard Crenna as Phil Brody "The King"--a fast talking, slick card playing, mentor of Jeffery's. The movie is set in the '60's with a great soundtrack, pretty girls in bikinis, and plenty of 80's movie hijinks! Check out the movie trailer. If you're in the mood for pure 80's entertainment, rent it, or Netflix it--you won't regret it. Quotability factor: 8 Rewatchability factor: 8
Just One of The Guys (1985)
As the trailer illustrates, the premise is simple and plausible; Terry, an attractive girl gets pissed off because her term paper isn't chosen for an award, so she dresses up as guy (she's convinced that her paper is dismissed b/c she is a pretty girl), transfers to a different school, and tries to get her paper the accolades it so richly deserves. OK, the plot is neither simple nor plausible, but it does have an unbelieveable performance turned in by Billy Jacoby as Terry's horny brother Buddy, the 80's B-movie & TV fixture Leigh McCloskey, the greatest 80's bully ever in William Zabka (Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid), and the gorgeous Joyce Hyser as Terry. For the guys out there who have seen this, how great is the shot in the movie where Terry flashes her lovely breasts to Rick at the prom? That, my friends, was the moment in 1985 when I became a man. Quotability: 9 Rewatchability: 9
Johnny Dangerously (1984)
I actually saw this one at the theater. It was one of those watershed moments of my young male life. My friend Boz and I were sitting there in the theater waiting for the previews to begin, when all of a sudden a very attractive 12 year-old girl and her equally attractive friend sat in the two seats next to me. I turned to Boz and gave him a wink as to re-assure him that I'd take control of the situation and bag these two babes for us. As I sat there thinking of the perfect line, I realized an unfortunate truth--I had zero game. So, in desperation, I offered her a Sno-Cap, which she politely declined, as did her lovely friend. (Man, I was smooth in '84). And then, during the previews the two got up and moved to different seats. And thus began my long and painful journey down the dating highway. Anyway, I digress. We have Michael Keaton in his prime (why did he ever stop making comedies?) as a good hearted ganster just trying to pay for his ailing mother's constant surgeries, all the while keeping his life of crime a secret from his D.A. brother. The movie itself is a tongue in cheek look at the underworld of thugs and street gangs of the1930's. It is cut from the same cloth as Airplane, but not as literal. My favorite parts are whenever Johnny's rival mobster boss Roman Moronie has one of his signature foul-mouthed rants. Truly an underrated gem! Quotability: 8 Rewatchability: 8
Can't Buy Me Love (1987)
I know, it is kind of popular, but it should be a lot more popular than it is. This one has it all--a great cast, a funny script, and Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson). Where else could you get a young, and fantastic, Seth Green, a pre-Rico Suave Gerardo, the talented Patrick Dempsey, and the hotness of both Amanda Peterson and Darcy DeMoss? Not that CBML doesn't have a fault or two--Cindy's ex-boyfriend's hair and acting ability are completely ridiculous, but the strength of the storyline pushes the viewer past any of these potential pitfalls. The movie also gives us a great "I couldn't do that again if you gave me a 1,000 tries" moment when an absolutely tanked Cindy Mancini throws a perfect strike (from 15 feet away) at the record player with her vodka-soda interrupting Billy Idol's classic, "Dancing With Myself." But, for me and my money, the young Seth Green steals every scene he's in. The movie is a classic in every sense of the word. Quotability: 10 Rewatchability: 10
Night Shift (1982)
I realize that that the coupling of Arthur Fonzarelli and Bruce Wayne seems, shall we say, a tad eskew. And when you toss in Shelly Long as a prostitute, it may seem like you are headed for cinematic, if not comedic, disaster. But I'm here to tell you movie fans, this movie is very funny shit! Let's talk plot, shall we? Chuck Lumley (Henry Winkler), a mild mannered yes man, and Billy Blazejowski (Michael Keaton), a morally bankrupt and utterly hilarious idea man agree to help out Chuck's prostitute neighbor Belinda (Shelly Long) and her fellow prostitute friends by becoming their pimps. Since they work the night shift, nobody is around to keep tabs on the two as they begin their thriving business venture. By doing so, the morgue is turned into a bordello, the "love brokers" and their "employees" watch as the money comes pouring in, and a love connection is made between Belinda and Chuck. The movie also gives us one of the best movie quotes ever. A lazy co-worker of Chuck's who accomplishes nothing while working the afternoon shift is watching re-runs of the Flinstones and laments to Chuck as he leaves, "Wow, that Barney Rubble.What an actor!" This is definitely one of my personal favorites and a highly underrated flick. Quotability: 9 Rewatchability: 10
In my opinion, the 1980's gave us some great cinema and launched more than a few mega-star's careers. John Hughes was the godfather of the 80's flick and rightfully so with such classics as Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, and Weird Science, just to name a few. Although I love those movies, as well as, a ton of other very popular 80's flicks, I wanted to pay homage to a few other great flicks that remain severely underrated to this day. There are thousands of examples, but here are a few of my personal favorites.
The Flamingo Kid (1984)
Great 80's fun here, kids. We have a solid cast of Matt Dillon as Jeffery Willis, a young kid from the Bronx who falls into a summer job at the el Flamingo beach club, a hilariously sacrastic Hector Elizondo as Jeffery's father, the yummy Janet Jones (Mrs. Wayne Gretsky), and the late great Richard Crenna as Phil Brody "The King"--a fast talking, slick card playing, mentor of Jeffery's. The movie is set in the '60's with a great soundtrack, pretty girls in bikinis, and plenty of 80's movie hijinks! Check out the movie trailer. If you're in the mood for pure 80's entertainment, rent it, or Netflix it--you won't regret it. Quotability factor: 8 Rewatchability factor: 8
Just One of The Guys (1985)
As the trailer illustrates, the premise is simple and plausible; Terry, an attractive girl gets pissed off because her term paper isn't chosen for an award, so she dresses up as guy (she's convinced that her paper is dismissed b/c she is a pretty girl), transfers to a different school, and tries to get her paper the accolades it so richly deserves. OK, the plot is neither simple nor plausible, but it does have an unbelieveable performance turned in by Billy Jacoby as Terry's horny brother Buddy, the 80's B-movie & TV fixture Leigh McCloskey, the greatest 80's bully ever in William Zabka (Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid), and the gorgeous Joyce Hyser as Terry. For the guys out there who have seen this, how great is the shot in the movie where Terry flashes her lovely breasts to Rick at the prom? That, my friends, was the moment in 1985 when I became a man. Quotability: 9 Rewatchability: 9
Johnny Dangerously (1984)
I actually saw this one at the theater. It was one of those watershed moments of my young male life. My friend Boz and I were sitting there in the theater waiting for the previews to begin, when all of a sudden a very attractive 12 year-old girl and her equally attractive friend sat in the two seats next to me. I turned to Boz and gave him a wink as to re-assure him that I'd take control of the situation and bag these two babes for us. As I sat there thinking of the perfect line, I realized an unfortunate truth--I had zero game. So, in desperation, I offered her a Sno-Cap, which she politely declined, as did her lovely friend. (Man, I was smooth in '84). And then, during the previews the two got up and moved to different seats. And thus began my long and painful journey down the dating highway. Anyway, I digress. We have Michael Keaton in his prime (why did he ever stop making comedies?) as a good hearted ganster just trying to pay for his ailing mother's constant surgeries, all the while keeping his life of crime a secret from his D.A. brother. The movie itself is a tongue in cheek look at the underworld of thugs and street gangs of the1930's. It is cut from the same cloth as Airplane, but not as literal. My favorite parts are whenever Johnny's rival mobster boss Roman Moronie has one of his signature foul-mouthed rants. Truly an underrated gem! Quotability: 8 Rewatchability: 8
Can't Buy Me Love (1987)
I know, it is kind of popular, but it should be a lot more popular than it is. This one has it all--a great cast, a funny script, and Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson). Where else could you get a young, and fantastic, Seth Green, a pre-Rico Suave Gerardo, the talented Patrick Dempsey, and the hotness of both Amanda Peterson and Darcy DeMoss? Not that CBML doesn't have a fault or two--Cindy's ex-boyfriend's hair and acting ability are completely ridiculous, but the strength of the storyline pushes the viewer past any of these potential pitfalls. The movie also gives us a great "I couldn't do that again if you gave me a 1,000 tries" moment when an absolutely tanked Cindy Mancini throws a perfect strike (from 15 feet away) at the record player with her vodka-soda interrupting Billy Idol's classic, "Dancing With Myself." But, for me and my money, the young Seth Green steals every scene he's in. The movie is a classic in every sense of the word. Quotability: 10 Rewatchability: 10
Night Shift (1982)
I realize that that the coupling of Arthur Fonzarelli and Bruce Wayne seems, shall we say, a tad eskew. And when you toss in Shelly Long as a prostitute, it may seem like you are headed for cinematic, if not comedic, disaster. But I'm here to tell you movie fans, this movie is very funny shit! Let's talk plot, shall we? Chuck Lumley (Henry Winkler), a mild mannered yes man, and Billy Blazejowski (Michael Keaton), a morally bankrupt and utterly hilarious idea man agree to help out Chuck's prostitute neighbor Belinda (Shelly Long) and her fellow prostitute friends by becoming their pimps. Since they work the night shift, nobody is around to keep tabs on the two as they begin their thriving business venture. By doing so, the morgue is turned into a bordello, the "love brokers" and their "employees" watch as the money comes pouring in, and a love connection is made between Belinda and Chuck. The movie also gives us one of the best movie quotes ever. A lazy co-worker of Chuck's who accomplishes nothing while working the afternoon shift is watching re-runs of the Flinstones and laments to Chuck as he leaves, "Wow, that Barney Rubble.What an actor!" This is definitely one of my personal favorites and a highly underrated flick. Quotability: 9 Rewatchability: 10
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Good, The Bad, and The Truly Entertaining
Welcome! I wanted my first post to perfectly illustrate my sick and warped view of the movie world. You may not have noticed, but men tend to communicate through movie lines, and develop a bond instantly with any stranger who can quote Caddyshack lines with any precision. This is because the part of our brains that allows us to spew out movie lines is about the only section of our brains that wasn't affected by drinking 6 days a week in college.
One thing that was definitely accomplished during those Sunday afternoons that I, I'm sorry Goose, we spent embarrassingly hungover on the couch--endlessly watching subpar movies on TBS. We all have that list of movies. Movies that are so bad that they're good after you've watched them about 38 times. So here's a salute to a few of my personal favorites. BTW, please feel free to chime anytime on this blog, I'm a big believer in reader participation:
Summer Catch (2001)
I'm not sure what is funnier--Freddie Prinze Jr's acting ability or his athletic ability. There is so much that is wrong with this movie, but it all feels so right! You have Jason Gedrick (Doug Masters from Iron Eagle), the infinitely annoying Matthew Lillard (as a D1 catcher?), the very hot but the very limited Jessica Biel, a slumming Brian Dennehy & Beverly D'Angelo, and a cowboy hat sporting Curt Gowdy doing the play by play for the Cape Cod league. All of this, of course, fails to explain why I have seen this movie 22 times...check that, it's on Cinemax in five minutes--make that 23 times. Check out the trailer, and don't laugh--I dare you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTQ2R5aj78I
Rocky IV (1985)
Along with watching this movie every time it's on, I saw it twice in the theater back in '85. I will argue to the death with K-Dogg, and anyone else, that this movie is the best fourth installment of any movie franchise. Although, that's kinda like having the nicest trailer in the a trailer park. Still, the story isn't without it's problems. For instance, Rocky has been training in the bowels of a very wintry Russian countryside for 2-3 months, yet he sports a George Hamilton-esque tan at his fight with Ivan Drago? Still, the soundtrack and training montages alone are worth the price of add mission: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwvoTDoO9Hg Apollo dies, James Brown performs, and Uncle Paulie cries--what more do want from a part IV?
Point Break (1991)
FBI agent Angelo Pappas (an unforgettable Gary Busey) is so obsessed with tracking and capturing the Ex-Presidents that on the most pivital stakeout of his career he is...reading Calvin and Hobbs and sending his partner on a meatball sandwich run. The funny thing is, that might be the most plausible thing that happens in the whole damn movie! Nevertheless, we have an outstanding performance by Patrick Swayze as Bohdi, a surfer/skydiver/un-shaven, zen master of a bank robber uttering such memorable lines as, "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your biggest fears to come true," and "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love." And of course we have the incomparable Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah (Once an All-Conference QB at Ohio State--Bohdi tells us), churning out another all-world acting performance with such emotionally driven lines as, "Vaya con Dios, Brah." This movie was made for spending a rainy afternoon with TBS, TNT, or AMC, wasn't it?
Commando (1985)
Even as a child watching this Schwarzenegger classic in the theater, I knew that I was witnessing movie greatness. As a friend of mine, Rooster, always points out about this gem, is that it really isn't so much an action movie as it is a comedy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMkXY6MN96E Seriously, Arnold packed about 112 one liners into this "action" flick. All the while he dodged about 12,892 bullets, escaped from an airplane while it was taking off, beat up 12 mall cops, stole a plane, conquered a whole island, killed 197 soldiers (single handed, mind you), rescued his daughter Jenny (a young Alyssa Milano) from the clutches of the villainous Bennett (a very gay Vernon Wells), and got the girl. He accomplished all of this virtually on an empty stomach, save for the bite of a sandwich that he had in the very first scene of the movie. Now, that's impressive!
Cocktail (1988)
I admit it freely, I fucking love this movie! I love the constant one-liners exchanged by Coughlin and Flanagan--did they ever just have a normal, everyday "how about them Giants" conversation? I love that they have a packed bar of patrons waiting patiently for a drink while they perform a choreographed dance/drink making routine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YbjzztYbUo Seriously, has anyone ever been to a T.G.I. Fridays as lively as this one? I also love the scene where a rival bar owner is so impressed by this routine that he offers Doug and Brian jobs right then and there. BTW, if you're the owner "of the hottest new bar in the city," what are you doing hanging out at a Friday's? Forget it, I'm over analyzing. How about when Flanagan comes up with a 20 line poem as he stands atop the bar while approximately 200 customers apparently don't care about getting a drink any time soon--even though they are at a bar. I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the tasty, and a long time favorite of mine going back to her Karate Kid days, Elizabeth Shue as Jordan--the love interest of young Flanagan. I literally could go on for pages about my love for this movie, but I won't. I'll just say this, it belongs in the It's So Bad It's Good movie hall of fame!
One thing that was definitely accomplished during those Sunday afternoons that I, I'm sorry Goose, we spent embarrassingly hungover on the couch--endlessly watching subpar movies on TBS. We all have that list of movies. Movies that are so bad that they're good after you've watched them about 38 times. So here's a salute to a few of my personal favorites. BTW, please feel free to chime anytime on this blog, I'm a big believer in reader participation:
Summer Catch (2001)
I'm not sure what is funnier--Freddie Prinze Jr's acting ability or his athletic ability. There is so much that is wrong with this movie, but it all feels so right! You have Jason Gedrick (Doug Masters from Iron Eagle), the infinitely annoying Matthew Lillard (as a D1 catcher?), the very hot but the very limited Jessica Biel, a slumming Brian Dennehy & Beverly D'Angelo, and a cowboy hat sporting Curt Gowdy doing the play by play for the Cape Cod league. All of this, of course, fails to explain why I have seen this movie 22 times...check that, it's on Cinemax in five minutes--make that 23 times. Check out the trailer, and don't laugh--I dare you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTQ2R5aj78I
Rocky IV (1985)
Along with watching this movie every time it's on, I saw it twice in the theater back in '85. I will argue to the death with K-Dogg, and anyone else, that this movie is the best fourth installment of any movie franchise. Although, that's kinda like having the nicest trailer in the a trailer park. Still, the story isn't without it's problems. For instance, Rocky has been training in the bowels of a very wintry Russian countryside for 2-3 months, yet he sports a George Hamilton-esque tan at his fight with Ivan Drago? Still, the soundtrack and training montages alone are worth the price of add mission: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwvoTDoO9Hg Apollo dies, James Brown performs, and Uncle Paulie cries--what more do want from a part IV?
Point Break (1991)
FBI agent Angelo Pappas (an unforgettable Gary Busey) is so obsessed with tracking and capturing the Ex-Presidents that on the most pivital stakeout of his career he is...reading Calvin and Hobbs and sending his partner on a meatball sandwich run. The funny thing is, that might be the most plausible thing that happens in the whole damn movie! Nevertheless, we have an outstanding performance by Patrick Swayze as Bohdi, a surfer/skydiver/un-shaven, zen master of a bank robber uttering such memorable lines as, "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your biggest fears to come true," and "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love." And of course we have the incomparable Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah (Once an All-Conference QB at Ohio State--Bohdi tells us), churning out another all-world acting performance with such emotionally driven lines as, "Vaya con Dios, Brah." This movie was made for spending a rainy afternoon with TBS, TNT, or AMC, wasn't it?
Commando (1985)
Even as a child watching this Schwarzenegger classic in the theater, I knew that I was witnessing movie greatness. As a friend of mine, Rooster, always points out about this gem, is that it really isn't so much an action movie as it is a comedy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMkXY6MN96E Seriously, Arnold packed about 112 one liners into this "action" flick. All the while he dodged about 12,892 bullets, escaped from an airplane while it was taking off, beat up 12 mall cops, stole a plane, conquered a whole island, killed 197 soldiers (single handed, mind you), rescued his daughter Jenny (a young Alyssa Milano) from the clutches of the villainous Bennett (a very gay Vernon Wells), and got the girl. He accomplished all of this virtually on an empty stomach, save for the bite of a sandwich that he had in the very first scene of the movie. Now, that's impressive!
Cocktail (1988)
I admit it freely, I fucking love this movie! I love the constant one-liners exchanged by Coughlin and Flanagan--did they ever just have a normal, everyday "how about them Giants" conversation? I love that they have a packed bar of patrons waiting patiently for a drink while they perform a choreographed dance/drink making routine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YbjzztYbUo Seriously, has anyone ever been to a T.G.I. Fridays as lively as this one? I also love the scene where a rival bar owner is so impressed by this routine that he offers Doug and Brian jobs right then and there. BTW, if you're the owner "of the hottest new bar in the city," what are you doing hanging out at a Friday's? Forget it, I'm over analyzing. How about when Flanagan comes up with a 20 line poem as he stands atop the bar while approximately 200 customers apparently don't care about getting a drink any time soon--even though they are at a bar. I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the tasty, and a long time favorite of mine going back to her Karate Kid days, Elizabeth Shue as Jordan--the love interest of young Flanagan. I literally could go on for pages about my love for this movie, but I won't. I'll just say this, it belongs in the It's So Bad It's Good movie hall of fame!
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