Up All Night, Sleep All Day

For those of you looking for a tribute page for the 80's-90's hair band Slaughter, I'm sorry, you've come to wrong place. Although, I still do love the song "Fly to the Angels"--sue me.  Today, I am here to honor a once great TV program that I watched religiously, and that also got me through some very trying times as a teenager. This show guided me through those lonely Friday and Saturday nights before I had my driver's license, and before I could find a girl dumb enough to play "the tip game" with me.

Stumped?   Maybe this commercial will refresh your memory.

Yes my fellow movie buffs, I'm talking about the legendary TV show USA's Up All Nite.  To be quite honest, I was much more of a Rhonda Shear fan than Gilbert Godfried, for very obvious reasons.  Let's just say that I ruined about 36 boxes of Kleenex between '87-'90 because of Rhonda, and the risque B movies that were aired late on those weekends.  Ah, the simpler times, my friends.

I wanted to pay homage to this fantastic show and all of the great 80's B-movies and cult classics that it ran every weekend of my youth.  So, in my infinite wisdom, I have created the USA Up All Nite Movie Hall of Fame."  I am going to honor a few of my very favorite movies that I remember, uh-um, "enjoying" every weekend as a teenager.  Each movie was graded upon two aspects 1-10, with 10 being the highest: Gratuitous Nudity Factor (GNF) and Absurd Plot Factor (APF)--hey, we have high standards over here at the Academy.  Here are my first ballot Hall of Fame selections:

Hardbodies (1984)
This movie embodies the essence of the USA Up All Nite movie experience, doesn't guys? This movie trailer says it all!  Three middle aged men head to the California coast in search of 20 year-old chicks.  The plan backfires because, while they are all rich and successful, they are old farts and terrible with the ladies.  That's when they meet Scotty Palmer and employ him to revamp their style and help them meet some...Harbodies (insert movie voice guy here). The movie itself is laughable, but it has great scenery and lots of 80's cheese!
GNF: 9 APF:10

Zapped! (1982)
I have two words for you, Heather Thomas!  She is the reason that I used to own this movie on VHS, and could be the reason that I fell in love with blondes at such an early age.  It just doesn't get much more 80's than this kids--Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, and Aunt Esther from "Sanford and Son!"  Really, what more could one want, or need from a bad 80's flick? GNF: 8  APF: 12

Secret Admirer (1985)
I have two more words for you--Kelly Preston.  If she's not enough, we got a young and very hot Lori Loughlin, as well.  As for the movie itself, it's actually very funny with a solid premise to boot.. It also sports a solid 80's cast of C. Thomas Howell (Michael Ryan), Fred Ward (Lou Fimple), who nearly steals the show, Corey Haim (Michael's brother), Kelly Preston (Deborah Ann Fimple), Lori Loughlin (Toni), and the hilarious Casey Siemaszko (Roger).  My favorite scene, other than every Kelly Preston scene, is this exchange between Michael and Lou Fimple:  Michael: "Good evening, Mr. Fimple!" Lou Fimple: "Fuck you!"  Funny shit!  GNF: 9  APF: 8

Fraternity Vacation (1985)
This one has all of the key cornerstones of the quintessential 80's spring break flick, which is beautifully illustrated in this snippet from the movie. It's all there for you, the bad 80' synthesizer music, palm trees, the wacky DJ on everyone's radio, convertibles crowding the streets, the Fort Lauderdale setting, the nerd make-over montage, half naked women everywhere willing to sleep with anyone who asks nicely, the rich pricks, the unattainable girl--pretty much everything that my spring break experience wasn't. Still, a memorable cast of characters with a great 80's movie trailer--a young Tim Robbins as Larry "Mother" Tucker, Joe (Cameron Dye), the protypical 80's nerd Wendell Tvedt (Stephen Geoffreys), the rich assholes Chas Lawlor III (Leigh McCloskey) and J.C. Springer (Matt McCoy), and the unattainable hottie Ashley Taylor (Shere J. Wilson) who, of course, falls for the nerdy Wendell. Definitely, one of my favorites from my Up All Nite days.
GNF: 9  APF: 11

Private School (1983)
Back in the day, as long as the movie title started with the word Private, you knew you were in for some solid softcore hijinks (Private Resort, Private Lessons, etc.)  This one has it all.  A solid cast: the gorgeous Phoebe Cates (Christine), Matthew Modine (Jim, although he'll always be Louden Swain to me), Sylvia Kristel (Ms. Copalleta), and the wonderfully "talented" Betsy Russell (Jordan Leigh Jenson).  A solid premise: Christine is in love with Jim, Jim is in love with Christine, Jordan is Christine's arch rival so, of course, she wants Jim and and will stop at nothing (thankfully) to steal him away from Christine.  And Sylvia Kristel is thrown into the mix because she was in Private Lessons, so why not Private School?  And, lastly, plenty of sexual situations that we wished happened to us when we were 17 years old!  This one is a true Up All Nite classic!  GNF: 12  APF: 10

Others receiving votes: Spring Break, Loverboy, Private Lessons, My Tudor, Tomboy, and Losin' It. Not to worry, there's always next year.