The Rematches That I'd Pay To See

You may have noticed that my little movie universe is a tad different from most.  Little things about movies bother me, and I never seem to get past them.  Questions such as--Who would win in a fight between Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang, or Did Joe Cain (The Program) win the Heisman in his senior year at ESU?-- still plague me to this day (these topics are definitely best discussed after 12 or 13 beers). 

Other scenarios that haunt my movie brain are rematches that should have taken place but inexplicably haven't. As Sydney Deane (Wesley Snipes) declared in White Men Can't Jump, "If the sun shines long enough, it even shines on a dog's ass some days--anyone can win the lottery"--terrible movie, I know (which doesn't explain why I've seen it 10 times), but he did have a point.  Here are a few movie rematches that I would have loved to see take place, and how I think that they would've played out.

Dean Youngblood vs. Racki (Youngblood 1986)
I'll give Rob Lowe props, he is and has always been a "cocksman"--it almost ruined his career back in the late 80's.  However, would anyone ever confuse him with Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose)--he can't even look tough with blood on his jersey and a chipped tooth! On the other hand Racki (even his name scares me), looks like he could whip some serious ass.  The Verdict:  It has to be Racki, doesn't it?  I suspect it would last about 17 seconds before Youngblood was spitting teeth!  But he'd always have the lovely Cynthia Gibb to dress his wounds.

Yankees vs. Bears (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Sure, the Yankees had better personnel and a slightly smarter x's & o's manager, and they still only beat the Bears by one run in the championship. And even though Buttermaker was a fall down drunk, he was still very baseball savvy and definitely knew how to motivate his team.  Also, let's not forget that Amanda didn't even have one day's rest between starts, so her arm was far less than 100%. Buttermaker also pulled out Tobey, Tanner, Reggie, and Jimmy at a pivitol moment in that game so that Lupus, Miguel, Jose, and Ogilvie could have a chance to play. Surprisingly, even with the line-up switch, the Bears almost pulled off the upset.
The Verdict: Baseball is a very funny game, so I'm going with the Bears 4-2.  With a healthy Amanda on the bump, Kelley Leak hitting clean-up, and the line-up at full strength, I think they'd take the Yankees the next time they faced them.

Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang (Rocky III 1982)
You're telling me that not one boxing promoter in the world thought that a few bucks could be made from a Balboa vs. Lang rubber match fight?  Nobody thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, there might be some interest in seeing a third match between these two?  OK, we all know the story-- Clubber dismantled Rocky in their first meeting.  Then, in the rematch Rocky knocks Clubber out to regain his title.  The Verdict: I think Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun) said it best when he said, "I don't know a lot about boxing, all I know is never bet on the white guy."  I don't think I'd bet against a super-pissed off Clubber either, would you?  I fully believe that Clubber would knock Rocky out in the 2nd round if they had fought for a third time. Just my humble opinion.

Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid 1984)
If ever a rematch was needed, this would be the instance!  I have seen this movie approximately 438 times, and I still get major chills when Daniel crane kicks Johnny in the melon to take home the trophy!!  The movie is a work of art, and I wouldn't change a thing about it--except for the fact that Ali (with an i) had no hot friends, a little disappointing--the movie is pure perfection. The Verdict: If there was a rematch at the All-Valley Karate Tournament the following year, I would bet the house on Johnny Lawrence!  Think about all of the the things that would drive Johnny's rage during those next 365 days: Daniel beat him in the championship match the year before, Daniel is nailing his ex, and he'll probably be parading her around Golf N' Stuff in his new yellow convertible for the next year.  Imagine having to stomach this crap for the next year if you're Johnny Lawrence!  As much as I hate to say it, I'm thinking Daniel's victory was a fluke and thus, I would have to believe that Johnny would thoroughly whip his ass if they met again. It's probably a good thing that this rematch never took place.