Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Mele Kalikimaka!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Favorite Movie Babes
Catherine Tramell Basic Instinct
OK, so she's a little pyschotic. But damnit, you have to love a woman that "goes commando," lights up a cigarette even after she's told not to by the fuzz, and who also enjoys making out with women along the way. She might very well fuck you to death, but what a way to go!
An absolutely awful movie, but Demi Moore's "performance" was nothing short of brilliant! Mercy!
My first movie crush was on Ms. Tesmaucher. She's smart, she's funny, she's gorgeous, and has always been one of my old school favs!
Loni Anderson is definitely a Hall of Fall Blonde in my world. She is often forgotten, but certainly not by me. As the very innocent and extremely HOT Pembrook Feeney, Loni really shines in this very bad Burt Reynolds' flick.
I have never been a big fan of hers, but even I must admit that she is incredibly sexy in this flick! Allow me to introduce Exhibit A.
I may pick on her acting ability, but this beauty from Downer's Grove, IL really gets it done in this flick!
I'm not a fan of either movie, and I really don't think that she has much acting ability...that being said, she does have a few things going for her.
Is there anything left to say about the incredibly beautiful Betsey Russell? Well, maybe just one more thing--she is still smoking hot!
The incredibly hot Kate Beckinsale certainly doesn't need skin tight leather clothing to be sexy, but it sure doesn't fucking hurt!
Inexplicably, I finally got around to watching Dr. No this year--I have no idea how that happened? Why didn't you tell me about her earlier, Rooster??? I blame you.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
All The Wrong Moves
Miscast [mis-kast, -kahst]
-verb (used with object), -casting.
1. to assign an unsuitable role to (an actor): Tom was miscast as Romeo.
2. to allot (a role) to an unsuitable actor.
3. to select unsuitable actors for (a play, motion picture, or the like).
I have to group these two ladies together because one wouldn't have happened without the other. The photo above (left) perfectly illustrates what Christian Bale had to do in every scene that he had with Katie Holmes. The role needed a pretty face, but one who could at least act her way out of a paper bag. And as for Gyllenhaal, I have to pin this one on Katie Holmes, as well. If her acting chops were even "He went to Jared" commercial quality, Maggie would have never been put into this predicament. The miscasting of Katie Holmes lead to this unfortunate blunder. Maggie is a fantastic actor, but she is really hard on the eyes no matter what The Joker says. BTW, now that was some great acting! How did he even keep a straight face while delivering the line, "Well, hello beautiful"?
Hayden Christenson Episode II and III
I've seen card board cut outs more dynamic than this guy. This is arguably one of the most coveted roles for an actor to play and this is the guy they picked? Maybe some of it can be blamed on George Lucas' less than fluid dialogue, but his acting ability coupled with his facial expressions would make Freddie Prinze Jr. proud.
Denise Richards The World is Not Enough
I'll say it loud and proud--I love this woman and I always have. But Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones "nuclear scientest" is more than a bit of a stretch. What's next? Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the next Bond villian--McKillin'?
Vince Vaughn Pyscho
Who green lighted this disaster? Let's take one of the funniest and best improvisational actors of the last 15 years and cast him as a pyschotic, brooding, cross dressing killer? Was the next pitch that day for Steven Segal as the lead in Forrest Gump?
Joan Allen Face/Off
She always seemed oddly out of place in the role of Travolta's wife. I mean she really is an attractive woman., but it seemed like they went way out of their way to make her look old and drab in this movie. Not only that, she looks approximately 10 years older in this movie than she actually is.
Almost the entire cast of Summer Catch
This flick is a movie blogger's dream to discuss. First and foremost, Matthew Lillard as a former USC catcher? All 137 annoying lbs. of him? The usually solid Brian Dennehy as a baseball coach uttering such awkward dialogue as, "Come on Ryan, stay out of this guy's kitchen." Awkward in the fact that Dennehy sounded like he had no idea of what a guy's "kitchen" actually is. Freddie Prinze Jr. as a major league prospect (I think that I've voiced my opinion on this on numerous occasions)? Wilmer Valderrama (the foreign kid from That 70's Show) as a baseball player period. And John C. McGinley as a Phillie scout is just priceless--he signs a head case that argues with umps, implodes whenever he has men on base, and has been kicked off of his two previous teams for fighting with teammates? About the only people perfectly cast in this flick was Brittany Murphy as a skanky bar waitress (a spot on match) and Fred Ward as the grumpy father.
Danny Glover Predator 2
The movie should have never been made to begin with, but if you're going to do it, at the very least bring back Arnold. I have always liked Danny Glover, he's a fine actor--so why do you pair him up with Bill Paxton? Can you hamstring the man any more? What, was Keanu busy?
Adam Sandler The Longest Yard
This sounds totally believeable--short, unathletic Jew in the role of an ex-NFL star QB? Awful casting choice!
Margot Kidder Superman I and II
I have to hand it to K-Dogg for pointing this one out to me. Now, I don't profess to be a 70's movie expert, but certainly they could have cast a much more attractive Lois Lane. Granted, she was a solid as Lois Lane acting wise, but your're telling me that you'd give up your super powers for a piece of her? No way! For Ms. Tesmaucher--now you're talking!
Sofia Coppola The Godfather III
What is there left to say? Bad, bad, bad, bad! Nepitism at it's worst!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Once You Go Fat, You Never Go Back
Where, oh, where have all of the great pleasantly plump comedians gone? Oh yeah, overdose, heart failure, overdose, and heart failure. Maybe that is the natural progression of the fat entertainer nowadays. One can only hope that the trend continues with Cedric "The Entertainer"--quickly.
With that in mind, I think it's high time that someone paid homage to the great fat movie characters of our time. I had to have one perameter though: Only one movie role per actor, otherwise John Candy and Rodney Dangerfield would comprise my whole list. Here are some of my personal favorites:
10.) Mike Engleberg The Bad News Bears
He's the glue that held that infield together back in '76. So what if he gets a little chocolate on the ball? Or steals Olgilvie's hamburger. And just ignore the fact that he can't button up his jersey. Engleberg is the shit!
9.) Chunk The Goonies
I have three words for you--The Truffle Shuffle!
8.) Chubby Teen Wolf
Oliver Miller would have loved to have his FG % and body type for that matter. Granted, there was no jump in his jump shot and his defense was suspect at best, but he was an integral part of that championship game!
7.) Alan The Hangover
The man looks like "Fat Jesus," is totally inapropriate at times, and is a complete idiot, but I love him!
6.) Seth Superbad
The similarities are eerie between high school me and Seth; we're both fat, we both loved Richard Pryor, and we both loved a good vagtastic voyage. You have to hand it to him, it is a flawless high school plan.
5.) Bluto Animal House
It may be redundant to have him on the blog again, but he was that classic!
4.) Fat Bastard Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
The man sure is passionate about his dumps!
3.) Tommy Callahan Tommy Boy
Seven years in college? (Sounds like someone that I know.) The late Chris Farley was utterly fantastic in this role. And who wouldn't want to do this to a skinny friend?
2.) Del Griffith Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
He's annoying. He has some foot odor issues and talks a whole lot. But he is a hell of a salesman and does anyone do The Mess Around any better?
1.) Thornton Melon Back to School
The man is amazing. He's a millionare. He can still drink like a fish. He can have intelligent political conversations. He throws great parties. And, remarkably, he's still in great shape for a fat guy!
With that in mind, I think it's high time that someone paid homage to the great fat movie characters of our time. I had to have one perameter though: Only one movie role per actor, otherwise John Candy and Rodney Dangerfield would comprise my whole list. Here are some of my personal favorites:
He's the glue that held that infield together back in '76. So what if he gets a little chocolate on the ball? Or steals Olgilvie's hamburger. And just ignore the fact that he can't button up his jersey. Engleberg is the shit!
I have three words for you--The Truffle Shuffle!
Oliver Miller would have loved to have his FG % and body type for that matter. Granted, there was no jump in his jump shot and his defense was suspect at best, but he was an integral part of that championship game!
The man looks like "Fat Jesus," is totally inapropriate at times, and is a complete idiot, but I love him!
The similarities are eerie between high school me and Seth; we're both fat, we both loved Richard Pryor, and we both loved a good vagtastic voyage. You have to hand it to him, it is a flawless high school plan.
It may be redundant to have him on the blog again, but he was that classic!
The man sure is passionate about his dumps!
Seven years in college? (Sounds like someone that I know.) The late Chris Farley was utterly fantastic in this role. And who wouldn't want to do this to a skinny friend?
He's annoying. He has some foot odor issues and talks a whole lot. But he is a hell of a salesman and does anyone do The Mess Around any better?
The man is amazing. He's a millionare. He can still drink like a fish. He can have intelligent political conversations. He throws great parties. And, remarkably, he's still in great shape for a fat guy!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny?
Eddie's resume at the onset of his career is remarkable: 48hrs., Eddie Murphy: Delirious, Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop, The Golden Child, Eddie Murphy: Raw, Beverly Hills Cop II, Coming to America, Harlem Knights, Another 48hrs., and Boomerang. Granted, The Golden Child was disappointing and not everyone liked Harlem Knights, but that's getting it done at a very high level, otherwise.
So, how does one go from this to that?
Except for the two Nutty Professor movies (which were OK), the Shrek movies, and his great performance in Dreamgirls, my once great hero has made a string of horrendous flicks/choices, such as: Beverly Hills III, Vampire in Brooklyn, Metro, Holy Man, Bowfinger, Showtime, I Spy, Pluto Nash, and Meet Dave--and I thought his singing career was bad.
How did this happen? How does one go from being a comedic genius to someone that when I see his movie trailers, I wince in pain? The man almost needs an intervention. In my opinion, here's what he should do. First, stop making Shrek movies. Secondly, actually read the scripts that he is given. Thirdly, write some new stand-up material and re-launch that career. He's been out of the game for a long time, but I'd still take him over any of the "Original Kings of Comedy" or George Lopez--don't even get me started on those idiots! Lastly, scrap the Beverly Hills Cop IV idea (I'm still not over part III yet), and do some independent film roles--the man is a great actor, he's way too talented to be taking these god awful roles anymore.
The world needs much more Billy Ray Valentine (Capricorn) and a lot less Donkey, don't you think?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Speech! Speech!
As I caught the last 10 minutes of Rocky IV tonight, and subjected myself to Balboa's rambling, incoherent, yet hilarious, speech for the 118th time, two thoughts crossed my mind: 1) How in the hell did that Russian translator come up with a Russian word equivalent of "you's"? and 2) Rocky's speech may have been the worst speech in movie history. But let's not dwell on the negative, my friends. Those 10 minutes were hardly wasted, as it did get me to thinking about the best movie speeches that I've ever seen. So, I racked my brain and I compiled a list of my own personal favorites:
10.) Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)
Neil Page loses it!
9.) Bull Durham (1988)
Crash Davis has some beliefs.
8.) 25th Hour (2002)
Monty Brogan takes a good look into the mirror.
7.) Wall Street (1987)
Gordon Gekko gets greedy.
6.) Braveheart (1995)
William Wallace--period.
5.) Scent of a Woman (1992)
Col. Frank Slade has the floor.
4.) A Few Good Men (1992)
Col. Jessep tells Lt. Kaffee the truth.
3.) Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Blake knows his ABC's.
2.) The Devil's Advocate (1997)
John Milton explains why it's "better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."
1.) Jaws (1975)
Captain Quint tells a chilling tale.
10.) Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)
Neil Page loses it!
9.) Bull Durham (1988)
Crash Davis has some beliefs.
8.) 25th Hour (2002)
Monty Brogan takes a good look into the mirror.
7.) Wall Street (1987)
Gordon Gekko gets greedy.
6.) Braveheart (1995)
William Wallace--period.
5.) Scent of a Woman (1992)
Col. Frank Slade has the floor.
4.) A Few Good Men (1992)
Col. Jessep tells Lt. Kaffee the truth.
3.) Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Blake knows his ABC's.
2.) The Devil's Advocate (1997)
John Milton explains why it's "better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."
1.) Jaws (1975)
Captain Quint tells a chilling tale.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Oh, I Drink To Dat!
As we roll into the weekend, I thought this topic would be a perfect ending to the work week. It's time to discuss my favorite Movie Drunks.
Bluto (Animal House 1978)
For those of you who went to college with me, and I apologize if you were one of the unfortunate ones, wouldn't Bluto be a pretty fair comparison to me in my 20's? There are so many parallels between the two of us--we're both fat, drunk, and stupid, we both spent 7 years (roughly) in college, we both gave great advice back in college, and in the end, we both ended up with the girl. Bluto is still a college icon to this day, and a great movie drunk. As for me, I'm still fat, drunk, and mildly stupid.
Frank "The Tank" (Old School 2003)
In my opinion, Will Ferrell's best roll to date. Frank just wanted to get married, settle down and then one thing lead to another, and that thing lead to another, which lead to this. Great movie and great character!
Buttermaker (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Anyone who tops off their can of beer with a shot of Jim Beam is all right in my book! The late great Walter Matthau drinks so much that he passes out on the mound during batting practice, drinks during little league games, has one of his players, Lupus, make him a martini, serves his players beer, and somehow still remains a loveable character. Now that is some fete! Inexplicably, I couldn't find one good movie clip to illustrate my points, but Buttermaker remains one of my favorite drunk characters of all-time.
Willie (Bad Santa 2003)
The man is an utter mess! He reprehensible. He's mean to kids. He's just a complete asshole!. And he's also one of the funniest movie characters ever created. I'm not crazy about the movie, but Billy Bob Thornton was superb in this.
Doc Holliday (Tombstone 1993)
Truly one of the greatest acting performances of our generation. Kilmer creates a smooth, playful, suave, yet dangerous character here. Doc dominates every single scene he's in--it's almost unfair. He's one of the most quotable movie characters ever, and definitely one of my favorites. Kilmer was fantastic--the man deserved an Oscar for this one!
Arthur Bach (Arthur 1981)
Could anyone do it better than Dudley Moore as a drunk--he's scary good as Arthur Bach! Arthur drinks scotch non-stop, which is awfully impressive by itself, but the astonishing thing is that the man still manages to keep his impeccable comedic timing even though he spends most of his day hammered. Moore was nominated for an Academy Award for this hilarious performance, and Sir John Gielgud took home the statue for Best Supporting Actor. Definitely, one of my favorite comedies.
For those of you who went to college with me, and I apologize if you were one of the unfortunate ones, wouldn't Bluto be a pretty fair comparison to me in my 20's? There are so many parallels between the two of us--we're both fat, drunk, and stupid, we both spent 7 years (roughly) in college, we both gave great advice back in college, and in the end, we both ended up with the girl. Bluto is still a college icon to this day, and a great movie drunk. As for me, I'm still fat, drunk, and mildly stupid.
In my opinion, Will Ferrell's best roll to date. Frank just wanted to get married, settle down and then one thing lead to another, and that thing lead to another, which lead to this. Great movie and great character!
Anyone who tops off their can of beer with a shot of Jim Beam is all right in my book! The late great Walter Matthau drinks so much that he passes out on the mound during batting practice, drinks during little league games, has one of his players, Lupus, make him a martini, serves his players beer, and somehow still remains a loveable character. Now that is some fete! Inexplicably, I couldn't find one good movie clip to illustrate my points, but Buttermaker remains one of my favorite drunk characters of all-time.
The man is an utter mess! He reprehensible. He's mean to kids. He's just a complete asshole!. And he's also one of the funniest movie characters ever created. I'm not crazy about the movie, but Billy Bob Thornton was superb in this.
Truly one of the greatest acting performances of our generation. Kilmer creates a smooth, playful, suave, yet dangerous character here. Doc dominates every single scene he's in--it's almost unfair. He's one of the most quotable movie characters ever, and definitely one of my favorites. Kilmer was fantastic--the man deserved an Oscar for this one!
Could anyone do it better than Dudley Moore as a drunk--he's scary good as Arthur Bach! Arthur drinks scotch non-stop, which is awfully impressive by itself, but the astonishing thing is that the man still manages to keep his impeccable comedic timing even though he spends most of his day hammered. Moore was nominated for an Academy Award for this hilarious performance, and Sir John Gielgud took home the statue for Best Supporting Actor. Definitely, one of my favorite comedies.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thank You For Your Support (Comedy)
In my opinion, sometimes the stars of certain movies get all of the credit, while the supporting characters do most of the heavy lifting of the movie, just to get over looked for their hard work. So I thought I'd put the spotlight on these integral pieces of the movie puzzle for once. Here are some of my very favorite supporting characters from some of my favorite comedies.
Wooderson Dazed and Confused (1993)
Perhaps Matthew McConaughey's best role and finest performance--although, that is saying very little. In fact, it took me about four viewings of this movie before I realized it was actually McConaughey. You have to love a character that is so direct and so laid back/high/drunk.
Mike Damone Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Is he a douche bag or is he a genius? Probably a little bit of both, if you ask me, but he truly means well. Damone is Ridgemont's resident scalper, part-time bookie, sometimes ladie's man, and wanna be philosopher. He also steals just about every scene that he's in, too.
Booger Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
The man's an animal--he's crude, he's a crook, but he plays a mean guitar and is quick with the comebacks! But, I'd kill for the man's belching ability, his access to wonder joints, and his t-shirt collection!
McCroskey Airplane (1980)
Sure, the man has his vices and picks the most unfortunate times to try and quit them--like smoking, coffee, booze, amphetamines, and maybe even a little airplane glue, but damnit, he get's the job done, doesn't he?
Cousin Eddie National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Has there been a bigger imposition on one's family in movie history? He may also be one of the greatest supporting characters ever created, as well. He has that perfect blend of classiness and cringe-worthy comments that only a distant, inbred family member can give you.
Judge Smayles Caddyshack (1980)
It was hard not to put Al Czervik here, but the late great Ted Knight was really on top of his game here! Was Judge Smayles the most pretentious movie character ever? He's pompous. He's an elitist. He's racist. He's a cheat. He's smug. He's a poor sport. But he did have an enduring relationship with his grandson Spaulding! So he had that going for him, which is nice (I couldn't resist, sorry).
Trent Swingers (1996)
Definitely one of my favorite movie characters of all-time--even if it's just Vince being Vince. Trent said and did things that we all wished we had done and said--although, I'm sure that I have been even more obnoxious when I've been shit canned before! Besides Jeremy in Wedding Crashers, what other movie character would be half as fun to go have a drink with? However, I'm not sure that I'd want to play Sega NHL Hockey with him--he cheats!
Long Duk Dong Sixteen Candles (1984)
So he can't hold his liquor--he's still a nice kid! Think about all that he accomplished in that horrible outfit! He comes to a new town, he doesn't speak English all that well, picks up a chick at the dance, and parties like a rock star all night. That's a career man...in any league.
Ray "Bones" Barboni Get Shorty (1995)
Dennis Farina has made a career out of playing hilarious supporting characters, hasn't he (see: Midnight Run and Snatch)? In Get Shorty though, he really out does himself! He's the perfect inept, hard-ass ganster to Travolta's cool, calm Chili Palmer with some hilarious exchanges between the two. (Rooster, have you seen this one yet??)
Chet Weird Science (1985)
Hands down, the only real asshole on my list. He extorts his own brother for God's sake! He's a jerk to his brother's best friend. And it's very clear that the man cannot take a joke! Still, he's one funny, sadistic bastard! And I love it!
Honorable Mentions:
Honorable Mention #1
Honorable Mentions #2
Wooderson Dazed and Confused (1993)
Perhaps Matthew McConaughey's best role and finest performance--although, that is saying very little. In fact, it took me about four viewings of this movie before I realized it was actually McConaughey. You have to love a character that is so direct and so laid back/high/drunk.
Mike Damone Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Is he a douche bag or is he a genius? Probably a little bit of both, if you ask me, but he truly means well. Damone is Ridgemont's resident scalper, part-time bookie, sometimes ladie's man, and wanna be philosopher. He also steals just about every scene that he's in, too.
Booger Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
The man's an animal--he's crude, he's a crook, but he plays a mean guitar and is quick with the comebacks! But, I'd kill for the man's belching ability, his access to wonder joints, and his t-shirt collection!
McCroskey Airplane (1980)
Sure, the man has his vices and picks the most unfortunate times to try and quit them--like smoking, coffee, booze, amphetamines, and maybe even a little airplane glue, but damnit, he get's the job done, doesn't he?
Cousin Eddie National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Has there been a bigger imposition on one's family in movie history? He may also be one of the greatest supporting characters ever created, as well. He has that perfect blend of classiness and cringe-worthy comments that only a distant, inbred family member can give you.
Judge Smayles Caddyshack (1980)
It was hard not to put Al Czervik here, but the late great Ted Knight was really on top of his game here! Was Judge Smayles the most pretentious movie character ever? He's pompous. He's an elitist. He's racist. He's a cheat. He's smug. He's a poor sport. But he did have an enduring relationship with his grandson Spaulding! So he had that going for him, which is nice (I couldn't resist, sorry).
Trent Swingers (1996)
Definitely one of my favorite movie characters of all-time--even if it's just Vince being Vince. Trent said and did things that we all wished we had done and said--although, I'm sure that I have been even more obnoxious when I've been shit canned before! Besides Jeremy in Wedding Crashers, what other movie character would be half as fun to go have a drink with? However, I'm not sure that I'd want to play Sega NHL Hockey with him--he cheats!
Long Duk Dong Sixteen Candles (1984)
So he can't hold his liquor--he's still a nice kid! Think about all that he accomplished in that horrible outfit! He comes to a new town, he doesn't speak English all that well, picks up a chick at the dance, and parties like a rock star all night. That's a career man...in any league.
Ray "Bones" Barboni Get Shorty (1995)
Dennis Farina has made a career out of playing hilarious supporting characters, hasn't he (see: Midnight Run and Snatch)? In Get Shorty though, he really out does himself! He's the perfect inept, hard-ass ganster to Travolta's cool, calm Chili Palmer with some hilarious exchanges between the two. (Rooster, have you seen this one yet??)
Chet Weird Science (1985)
Hands down, the only real asshole on my list. He extorts his own brother for God's sake! He's a jerk to his brother's best friend. And it's very clear that the man cannot take a joke! Still, he's one funny, sadistic bastard! And I love it!
Honorable Mentions:
Honorable Mention #1
Honorable Mentions #2
Friday, November 6, 2009
On Second Thought
Maybe it's just me, but I have to see most movies more than once to really form a concrete opinion of it. Of course in some instances, such as The Dark Knight, or The Shawshank Redemption, it was clearly apparent that they were immediate classics. With some movies though, I find that multiple viewings really brings out the best in them. Here are some movies that at first glance didn't do that much for me, but have really grown on me the more that I watch them.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
I have to admit that I hated this movie the first time that I watched it. After I was done, I thought to myself what in the hell did I just watch? Everything seemed so odd about it--the acting, the writing, the setting, etc. Then it came on cable and I watched it again and it seemed a little funnier. Then as it marinated in my brain awhile longer, it began to make me chuckle more and more just thinking about it. Then by my fifth or sixth time watching it, I really got on board with this film's brand of humor! The characters are definitely odd little people, but still funny. How fucking fantastic is Uncle Rico? This is definitely one of those love it, or hate it movies. There seems to be no in between here.
The Break-Up (2006)
I will watch anything with Vince Vaughn in it, especially after Swingers, Old School, and Wedding Crashers. So imagine my surprise when I left the theater with my girlfriend at the time (now my wife), and just shrugged my shoulders at this movie. This one grew legs for me after I watched it for the second time--maybe you shouldn't take your girlfriend who then becomes your wife to a movie entitled The Break-Up anyway. For what ever reason, I love this movie now and watch it every time it's on. Vince is great and Jennifer is hot as ever, but John Michael Higgins steals the scenes that he has in the movie! (forgive the video quality) How ambiguously gay can one man be? This one gets a little better with each viewing for me.
The Girl Next Door (2004)
This flick has become as likeable as it gets with me. I liked it the first time that I saw it because I was actually shocked that it didn't suck balls, but I still thought it was just OK at the time. The film did have me on board early on with its storyline based around the porn industry, and it also helped that it stars one of my favorite blonds--the incredibly hot Elisha Cuthbert. But as I have caught it a few more times on cable, I really think that it is a well made coming of age flick. The movie has a great premise, a good cast, and some very funny scenes--Timothy Olyphant is classic as a scumbag porn director. And it doesn't suck that there is some hot chicks thrown in there as well. A definite diamond in the rough for me.
Just Friends (2005)
Ryan Reynolds could be a comedic genius, if he would just take the right roles and embrace his genius (see: Van Wilder) and stay away from action movies and formulaic romantic comedies (see: Blade: Trinity and The Proposal). I remember watching this for the first time on dvd and kind of dismissing it as an average comedy. Then I caught it on cable a few times after that and I finally realized how funny it really is. Anna Faris is off her ass in this, as a Britney/Jessica type clueless pop star. She and Reynolds have a great comedic tandom going in this flick. The movie truly gets better and better each time that I watch it.
Fight Club (1999)
This one is kind of like the girl that I didn't pay attention to in high school and then all of a sudden she gets hot in her college years (think Tanya Matis at juco, Rooster) and then we all notice her. When I first watched FC I was in college and kind of paying attention to it and writing a paper at the same time, and you really shouldn't do that with a movie like this. Then, when I actually paid attention to it while I watched it the second time--I was completely blown away by its creativeness. Personally, I think that the movie is brilliant, and I would place it in my overall top ten, but I think that the trailer is a bit misleading and doesn't do the premise of the movie much justice to the first time viewer. It has a superb cast, fantastic writing and directing, and great story. The movie is part mystery, partly a dark comedy, and mostly a coming of age tale told from the point of view of a not-too-reliable narrator. Pound for pound, one of my very favorite movies.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
I have to admit that I hated this movie the first time that I watched it. After I was done, I thought to myself what in the hell did I just watch? Everything seemed so odd about it--the acting, the writing, the setting, etc. Then it came on cable and I watched it again and it seemed a little funnier. Then as it marinated in my brain awhile longer, it began to make me chuckle more and more just thinking about it. Then by my fifth or sixth time watching it, I really got on board with this film's brand of humor! The characters are definitely odd little people, but still funny. How fucking fantastic is Uncle Rico? This is definitely one of those love it, or hate it movies. There seems to be no in between here.
The Break-Up (2006)
I will watch anything with Vince Vaughn in it, especially after Swingers, Old School, and Wedding Crashers. So imagine my surprise when I left the theater with my girlfriend at the time (now my wife), and just shrugged my shoulders at this movie. This one grew legs for me after I watched it for the second time--maybe you shouldn't take your girlfriend who then becomes your wife to a movie entitled The Break-Up anyway. For what ever reason, I love this movie now and watch it every time it's on. Vince is great and Jennifer is hot as ever, but John Michael Higgins steals the scenes that he has in the movie! (forgive the video quality) How ambiguously gay can one man be? This one gets a little better with each viewing for me.
The Girl Next Door (2004)
This flick has become as likeable as it gets with me. I liked it the first time that I saw it because I was actually shocked that it didn't suck balls, but I still thought it was just OK at the time. The film did have me on board early on with its storyline based around the porn industry, and it also helped that it stars one of my favorite blonds--the incredibly hot Elisha Cuthbert. But as I have caught it a few more times on cable, I really think that it is a well made coming of age flick. The movie has a great premise, a good cast, and some very funny scenes--Timothy Olyphant is classic as a scumbag porn director. And it doesn't suck that there is some hot chicks thrown in there as well. A definite diamond in the rough for me.
Just Friends (2005)
Ryan Reynolds could be a comedic genius, if he would just take the right roles and embrace his genius (see: Van Wilder) and stay away from action movies and formulaic romantic comedies (see: Blade: Trinity and The Proposal). I remember watching this for the first time on dvd and kind of dismissing it as an average comedy. Then I caught it on cable a few times after that and I finally realized how funny it really is. Anna Faris is off her ass in this, as a Britney/Jessica type clueless pop star. She and Reynolds have a great comedic tandom going in this flick. The movie truly gets better and better each time that I watch it.
Fight Club (1999)
This one is kind of like the girl that I didn't pay attention to in high school and then all of a sudden she gets hot in her college years (think Tanya Matis at juco, Rooster) and then we all notice her. When I first watched FC I was in college and kind of paying attention to it and writing a paper at the same time, and you really shouldn't do that with a movie like this. Then, when I actually paid attention to it while I watched it the second time--I was completely blown away by its creativeness. Personally, I think that the movie is brilliant, and I would place it in my overall top ten, but I think that the trailer is a bit misleading and doesn't do the premise of the movie much justice to the first time viewer. It has a superb cast, fantastic writing and directing, and great story. The movie is part mystery, partly a dark comedy, and mostly a coming of age tale told from the point of view of a not-too-reliable narrator. Pound for pound, one of my very favorite movies.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Guilty As Charged
I'll set the scene for you; it's a rainy Saturday afternoon, there aren't any good games on the tube--you're bored out of your mind. So, since reading a good book is obviously out of the question, you scour all of your 500 channels on a quest for some mindless entertainment. And there it is--The Replacements--perfect, your day is set! Sure, you could pop Bull Durham or Hoosiers into the dvd player, but that's not going to satisfy your movie thirst for a one star sports flick. That's right campers, it's time to address my Guilty Pleasure Sports Movies.
As I compiled my list, I have to admit, I was plenty embarrassed by some of my choices--but, I had to be honest with you, as well as myself. So, here are my Top 10:
10.) Johnny Be Good (1988)
Let's be brutally honest here. This movie is complete and utter garbage--which didn't stop me from seeing it in the theater with my friend Boz. Yes, it is god awful. However, it did give us one of the best movie lines of all-time (at 1:38 of this clip). That is vintage Paul Gleason right there!
9.) Side Out (1990)
I couldn't even type the title of this movie without chuckling a little bit. This flick was written and directed in made-for-TV hell! Check out this montage (hey, the 80's called, they want their montage back). I wonder where they got the idea to use that song for their montage? How about the collection of characters in this one: C. Thomas Howell, Peter Horton, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Terry Kiser (Bernie of Weekend at Bernie's I & II), and Tony Burton (Duke from Rocky I-IV)?? Awesome, just, awesome!
8.) Youngblood (1986)
It's awfully hard to turn a movie off when said movie includes the great Patrick Swayze (e.g. The Outsiders, Uncommon Valor, Red Dawn, Road House, and Point Break), but then you throw Keanu Reeves into that punch bowl--and man, I'm looking for the nearest ladle and cup! I'm telling you, all I have to see is this slow motion montage, and my Saturday afternoon is set! I didn't know that the Youngblood's had a smoke machine on their farm?
7.) The Cutting Edge (1992)
OK, I hate myself for a.) admitting that I have seen this movie more than once and b.) actually liking it! I have no reasons. No excuses. No explanations. There's no hot chicks in this movie. No gratuitous T and A. It's bad. I know it's bad. Yet, I continue to watch it whenever I come across it on TV. This mystery may never be solved. I'm just going to stop typing now.
6.) The Slugger's Wife (1985)
This movie is proof positive that if you watch anything long enough, it can actually start to look good after awhile! Rooster and I have scary knowledge about this movie (that one can only attain from watching it every week of '93 while pounding a case of Busch-Light in his family room). Surprisingly, I couldn't find one clip from this movie on the web--not even a movie trailer. It is probably for the best as every actor seems oddly out of place here anyway--Michael O'Keefe (Danny Noonan) has a pitiful swing, Rebecca DeMornay is hot, but can't carry a tune (her Little Red Corvette cover still haunts me to this day), and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) is playing first base. Still, this one will always have a special place in my movie heart.
5.) Varsity Blues (1999)
This flick has definitely made me ask myself the question: "Why in the hell didn't I play high school football?" This movie is so hard to turn the channel on--it's just so much damn fun! Tweeter is hilarious. Darcy is incredibly hot. Billy Bob stole my M.O. as the fat, drunk, lovable guy. Kilmer's a dick. The movie itself is one giant pile of implausible scenes--Tweeter stealing the squad car, the hot teacher who is also a stripper, the mutiny by the entire football team against their coach at halftime, and Dawson Leary is their QB (don't bullshit me, you all know who Dawson Leary is!)! That being said, this one is off the charts entertaining!
4.) Teen Wolf (1985)
I know what you're thinking, but I'm classifying this one under this category because a.) there are basketball scenes in it and b.) it's my blog and I can do whatever I want. This movie is impossible to turn off. I've tried several times. I have actually turned it off and then unplugged my TV and it still stays on! It just doesn't get any better (or is that worse) than this movie! I love the basketball scenes played to bad 80's music--even though there are only three scenes looped over and over and over again. And how great is their basketball coach? Truly a comedic genius, that Bobby Finstock! And how classic is Stiles? If loving TW is wrong, I don't ever want to be right.
3.) Wildcats (1986)
Another classic that I saw in the theater--twice. I still get a smile on my face every time I drive past Lane Tech HS (where the movie was filmed) in the city, and when I got to see the football field where the championship game was filmed (pictured above)--my movie life was complete! The movie is actually pretty funny, it also has a fun-bad soundtrack, entertaining football scenes, and how about those Wildcat cheerleaders?
2.) The Program (1993)
It doesn't hurt that this movie stars my favorite fictional athlete of all-time--Alvin Mack. I admit, the movie is a hot mess at times, and is an over the top look at college football hijinks. But, the football scenes are stellar, the performances are totally believeable, and it stays entertaining even when its delivering its heavy handed message. (side note:) Rooster and I saw it in the theater before they cut the infamous scene out the film because idiot kids were lying in the middle of streets getting hit by cars trying to imitate that scene from the movie.
1.) Summer Catch (2001)
Like I have stated before, this film is one gigantic train wreck, which is probably why I cannot bring myself to turn the channel when it comes on. There are so many reasons to watch this film. The baseball lingo is insulting, the baseball scenes are embarassing--even to little leaguers (there's an arc of Freddie's fastball, yet it registers a 94 on the gun?), Freddie Prinze Jr's facial expressions on the mound are priceless, the writing is Saved By the Bell bad, and not one of the main actors looks like they made it past the tee-ball level, let alone D-1 level baseball. Pound for pound though, still one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies of all-time.
As I compiled my list, I have to admit, I was plenty embarrassed by some of my choices--but, I had to be honest with you, as well as myself. So, here are my Top 10:
10.) Johnny Be Good (1988)
Let's be brutally honest here. This movie is complete and utter garbage--which didn't stop me from seeing it in the theater with my friend Boz. Yes, it is god awful. However, it did give us one of the best movie lines of all-time (at 1:38 of this clip). That is vintage Paul Gleason right there!
9.) Side Out (1990)
I couldn't even type the title of this movie without chuckling a little bit. This flick was written and directed in made-for-TV hell! Check out this montage (hey, the 80's called, they want their montage back). I wonder where they got the idea to use that song for their montage? How about the collection of characters in this one: C. Thomas Howell, Peter Horton, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Terry Kiser (Bernie of Weekend at Bernie's I & II), and Tony Burton (Duke from Rocky I-IV)?? Awesome, just, awesome!
8.) Youngblood (1986)
It's awfully hard to turn a movie off when said movie includes the great Patrick Swayze (e.g. The Outsiders, Uncommon Valor, Red Dawn, Road House, and Point Break), but then you throw Keanu Reeves into that punch bowl--and man, I'm looking for the nearest ladle and cup! I'm telling you, all I have to see is this slow motion montage, and my Saturday afternoon is set! I didn't know that the Youngblood's had a smoke machine on their farm?
7.) The Cutting Edge (1992)
OK, I hate myself for a.) admitting that I have seen this movie more than once and b.) actually liking it! I have no reasons. No excuses. No explanations. There's no hot chicks in this movie. No gratuitous T and A. It's bad. I know it's bad. Yet, I continue to watch it whenever I come across it on TV. This mystery may never be solved. I'm just going to stop typing now.
6.) The Slugger's Wife (1985)
This movie is proof positive that if you watch anything long enough, it can actually start to look good after awhile! Rooster and I have scary knowledge about this movie (that one can only attain from watching it every week of '93 while pounding a case of Busch-Light in his family room). Surprisingly, I couldn't find one clip from this movie on the web--not even a movie trailer. It is probably for the best as every actor seems oddly out of place here anyway--Michael O'Keefe (Danny Noonan) has a pitiful swing, Rebecca DeMornay is hot, but can't carry a tune (her Little Red Corvette cover still haunts me to this day), and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) is playing first base. Still, this one will always have a special place in my movie heart.
5.) Varsity Blues (1999)
This flick has definitely made me ask myself the question: "Why in the hell didn't I play high school football?" This movie is so hard to turn the channel on--it's just so much damn fun! Tweeter is hilarious. Darcy is incredibly hot. Billy Bob stole my M.O. as the fat, drunk, lovable guy. Kilmer's a dick. The movie itself is one giant pile of implausible scenes--Tweeter stealing the squad car, the hot teacher who is also a stripper, the mutiny by the entire football team against their coach at halftime, and Dawson Leary is their QB (don't bullshit me, you all know who Dawson Leary is!)! That being said, this one is off the charts entertaining!
4.) Teen Wolf (1985)
I know what you're thinking, but I'm classifying this one under this category because a.) there are basketball scenes in it and b.) it's my blog and I can do whatever I want. This movie is impossible to turn off. I've tried several times. I have actually turned it off and then unplugged my TV and it still stays on! It just doesn't get any better (or is that worse) than this movie! I love the basketball scenes played to bad 80's music--even though there are only three scenes looped over and over and over again. And how great is their basketball coach? Truly a comedic genius, that Bobby Finstock! And how classic is Stiles? If loving TW is wrong, I don't ever want to be right.
3.) Wildcats (1986)
2.) The Program (1993)
It doesn't hurt that this movie stars my favorite fictional athlete of all-time--Alvin Mack. I admit, the movie is a hot mess at times, and is an over the top look at college football hijinks. But, the football scenes are stellar, the performances are totally believeable, and it stays entertaining even when its delivering its heavy handed message. (side note:) Rooster and I saw it in the theater before they cut the infamous scene out the film because idiot kids were lying in the middle of streets getting hit by cars trying to imitate that scene from the movie.
1.) Summer Catch (2001)
Like I have stated before, this film is one gigantic train wreck, which is probably why I cannot bring myself to turn the channel when it comes on. There are so many reasons to watch this film. The baseball lingo is insulting, the baseball scenes are embarassing--even to little leaguers (there's an arc of Freddie's fastball, yet it registers a 94 on the gun?), Freddie Prinze Jr's facial expressions on the mound are priceless, the writing is Saved By the Bell bad, and not one of the main actors looks like they made it past the tee-ball level, let alone D-1 level baseball. Pound for pound though, still one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies of all-time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Second Half Adjustments
One distinguishing characteristic of a great movie is being able to sustain it's strength from start to finish. A lot of movies get off to a strong start and keep that momentum throughout, while others tail off significantly during their second and third acts. Some movies, in my opinion, can still be classics even if their second halves seem to pale in comparison. Here are some of my favorite examples of this occurring in movies:
Scream (1996)
To be completely honest, the first 5 minutes of this movie scared the shit out of me. You knew that you weren't in for a run-o-the-mill slasher flick when they off a star like Drew Berrymore in the first 10 minutes. The movie pokes fun at all of the cliched horror films or yore, but by the the middle to end, it becomes just plain laughable--and maybe that's the point. It doesn't help that I despise Matthew Lillard, and this movie marks the onset of my hate affair with that mope.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1 star
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
This movie definitely "had me at hello." The first half is pure genius--great concept, solid cast, with many funny, quotable scenes: The Sex Panther scene--"60% of the time it works every time," and "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." That's some good shit right there! Then, inexplicably, it takes a wrong turn here and never seems to get back onto its original path--for me anyway. In my opinion, if this one kept up it's torrid first half pace, it could've been a true comedy classic, but unfortunately it didn't, in my estimation.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1/2 star
Stripes (1981)
It has taken me many years and numerous viewings of this movie to come to terms with this, but I can no longer deny it anymore. The movie's cast of characters is fantastic: Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Candy, Judge Reinhold, John Laroquette, with Warren Oates (SGT. Hulka) & Conrad Dunn (Psycho). The movie's story is great, but it almost seems like the writers had just enough material to get them past basic training, and then they didn't know where to go with the story. I think that the route that they chose to take of action/comedy was a poor choice to take, but I still love this movie in spite of it's flaws.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1.5 stars
Return of the Jedi (1983)
I know, I know, this sounds like blasphemy, but that doesn't mean that it's not true. Be honest with me and yourself, if I gave you a choice of either watching Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, or Return of the Jedi--wouldn't Jedi be third on your list? I don't blame George Lucas, I don't blame the actors, I don't even blame the story (although it has some flaws)-- I blame one thing and one thing only. That's when the movie ends for me personally. How do you follow up two brilliant, and somewhat dark films with such a weak, all too kid friendly third installment? I didn't get when I was 10, and I don't get at 36.
First Half (Before the Ewoks): 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
This film is the poster boy for this topic, isn't it? I'll be completely honest, after Private Pile shoots himself, I switch the channel. I have tried to watch the second half, but it feels like I'm watching a much inferior film, so I always abort the mission. Now, I have never been a Stanley Kubrick fan, and obviously I never will be since he's been taking a dirt nap for quite awhile now, but the first half of his movie is superb. Has there ever been a better casted drill sargent than SGT. Hartman? Sure SGT. Hulka and SGT. Foley (Louis Gossett Jr. in An Officer and a Gentleman) were great, but R. Lee Ermey's performance was pure perfection. And, sadly, that's where my praise must end. I simply have no interest in the second half of this film, and it's a shame because this really should have been a 4 star movie.
First Half: 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Scream (1996)
To be completely honest, the first 5 minutes of this movie scared the shit out of me. You knew that you weren't in for a run-o-the-mill slasher flick when they off a star like Drew Berrymore in the first 10 minutes. The movie pokes fun at all of the cliched horror films or yore, but by the the middle to end, it becomes just plain laughable--and maybe that's the point. It doesn't help that I despise Matthew Lillard, and this movie marks the onset of my hate affair with that mope.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1 star
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
This movie definitely "had me at hello." The first half is pure genius--great concept, solid cast, with many funny, quotable scenes: The Sex Panther scene--"60% of the time it works every time," and "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." That's some good shit right there! Then, inexplicably, it takes a wrong turn here and never seems to get back onto its original path--for me anyway. In my opinion, if this one kept up it's torrid first half pace, it could've been a true comedy classic, but unfortunately it didn't, in my estimation.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1/2 star
Stripes (1981)
It has taken me many years and numerous viewings of this movie to come to terms with this, but I can no longer deny it anymore. The movie's cast of characters is fantastic: Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Candy, Judge Reinhold, John Laroquette, with Warren Oates (SGT. Hulka) & Conrad Dunn (Psycho). The movie's story is great, but it almost seems like the writers had just enough material to get them past basic training, and then they didn't know where to go with the story. I think that the route that they chose to take of action/comedy was a poor choice to take, but I still love this movie in spite of it's flaws.
First Half: 3.5 stars Second Half: 1.5 stars
Return of the Jedi (1983)
I know, I know, this sounds like blasphemy, but that doesn't mean that it's not true. Be honest with me and yourself, if I gave you a choice of either watching Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, or Return of the Jedi--wouldn't Jedi be third on your list? I don't blame George Lucas, I don't blame the actors, I don't even blame the story (although it has some flaws)-- I blame one thing and one thing only. That's when the movie ends for me personally. How do you follow up two brilliant, and somewhat dark films with such a weak, all too kid friendly third installment? I didn't get when I was 10, and I don't get at 36.
First Half (Before the Ewoks): 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
This film is the poster boy for this topic, isn't it? I'll be completely honest, after Private Pile shoots himself, I switch the channel. I have tried to watch the second half, but it feels like I'm watching a much inferior film, so I always abort the mission. Now, I have never been a Stanley Kubrick fan, and obviously I never will be since he's been taking a dirt nap for quite awhile now, but the first half of his movie is superb. Has there ever been a better casted drill sargent than SGT. Hartman? Sure SGT. Hulka and SGT. Foley (Louis Gossett Jr. in An Officer and a Gentleman) were great, but R. Lee Ermey's performance was pure perfection. And, sadly, that's where my praise must end. I simply have no interest in the second half of this film, and it's a shame because this really should have been a 4 star movie.
First Half: 4 stars Second Half: 1 star
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold
Whoever coined the phrase "Living well is the best revenge," must never have had the pleasure of sprinkling a teaspoon of revenge on their corn flakes in the morning. As many of you are aware, I'm a huge advocate of spite and all things that are inherently spiteful. For me, there is nothing more satisfying than to see some jackass get exactly what they have coming to them.
So, in light of that, here are a few of my favorite revenge flicks:
The Crow (1994)
This one has always been one of my favorite revenge flicks, even though it has its flaws--the writing isn't always that sharp, and the movie is a bit on the dark side (literally speaking, sometimes the cinematography is way too dark). With that being said, I love the story, the action sequences are great, and most importantly, everyone gets what's coming to them.
Man On Fire (2004)
Definitely an action/revenge flick with some heart, along with a lot of teeth. The story is fantastic with a twist here and there to keep the viewer on their toes. MOF sports a very solid cast of Denzel Washington, Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, Dakota Fanning, Radha Mitchell, and even a surprisingly believeable Marc Anthony (Mr. Jennifer Lopez). Denzel is at the top of his game here, which is perfectly illustrated in my favorite scene of the movie. Now that's the way you get even! Even Tony Scott's always annoying quick cut directing style cannot derail this great film.
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
Hands down the biggest sleeper of the bunch, but a fantastic revenge flick nevetheless. It's part dark comedy, part love story, but mostly just a finely crafted retribution flick--Kansas City Shuffle, anyone? How's this for a cast--Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley, Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Stanley Tucci, and one of my personal favorites, Mykelti Williamson (aka "Bird" from Wildcats). The movie has it all--great script, fantastic actors, and lots of quality action sequences! It's a sleeper but definitely worth your time if you haven't seen it.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Do I even need to insult your intelligence by going through all of its merits? This one is probably my favorite movie of all-time. Although it is not a classic shoot-em up revenge type film, it still manages to dole out enough satisfaction for all parties involved, doesn't it? Boggs gets his, Hadley too, and even Warden Norton gets payed back in spades. But the film's real achievment is that Red and Andy get exactly what they deserve, as well. The movie is perfect--outstanding story, exceptional acting, and a fantastic ending.
Sin City (2005)
I had absolutely zero expectations going into this one, and even if I did have any going in, it still would have blown them away. This is one of the most creative and visually stunning movies that has ever been made. This film marked the comeback of Mickey Rourke and oh, what a return it is! Marv is one of the toughest movie characters ever imagined--he could probably tear John Matrix in half and use Rambo as toilet paper. Also pitching in great performances are Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Benicio Del Toro, Powers Boothe, Rosario Dawson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, and the always lovely Jessica Alba. I'm still waiting with great anticipation for Sin City 2, which seems like it will never be made. At the very least, we will always have this masterpiece.
Braveheart (1995)
Speaking of masterpieces. Seriously, if this speech doesn't get your motor going, nothing will! Enraged by the slaying of his wife at the hands of English soldiers, William Wallace (Mel Gibson) takes on the evil Edward the Longshanks and virtually all of England in order to exact revenge, and to free all of Scotland. Now that is one pissed off Scotsman! And how bad ass are the battle scenes in this movie? They're unbelieveable! Also, the soundtrack is amazing, the authentic battle scenes are crazy good, and the acting is fantastic. Truly a four star movie!
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Kung-fu movies are not my thing--never have been. However, it is impossible to ignore the greatness of this movie (I considerate it one movie). Even though it is broken up into two films for time's sake, I get the definite feeling that I wouldn't have cared less if this one ran 8 hrs.--it's that superb! The story is outstanding, the casting and direction, as with most Tarantino movies, are exceptional, and it is one great scene piled on top of the next great scene! Although they are over the top and meant to be so, the action sequences are some of the very best that I have ever seen. Tarantino also creates some truly unforgettable characters in this one-- Uma Thurman is outstanding as "The Bride"/Beatrix Kiddo, David Carradine is a perfect Bill, and Michael Madsen, Vivica A. Fox, Darryl Hannah, and Lucy Liu are the perfect double-crossing group of assasains. If that weren't enough, Go Go Yubari and Pai Mei are tossed into the mix for added flavor. Even the ending has its own unique greatness--STOP SPOILERS AHEAD--it is a gratifying ending to a brilliant film.. It's hard, if not damn near impossible, to make a revenge flick this good, but Tarantino did it.
So, in light of that, here are a few of my favorite revenge flicks:
The Crow (1994)
This one has always been one of my favorite revenge flicks, even though it has its flaws--the writing isn't always that sharp, and the movie is a bit on the dark side (literally speaking, sometimes the cinematography is way too dark). With that being said, I love the story, the action sequences are great, and most importantly, everyone gets what's coming to them.
Man On Fire (2004)
Definitely an action/revenge flick with some heart, along with a lot of teeth. The story is fantastic with a twist here and there to keep the viewer on their toes. MOF sports a very solid cast of Denzel Washington, Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, Dakota Fanning, Radha Mitchell, and even a surprisingly believeable Marc Anthony (Mr. Jennifer Lopez). Denzel is at the top of his game here, which is perfectly illustrated in my favorite scene of the movie. Now that's the way you get even! Even Tony Scott's always annoying quick cut directing style cannot derail this great film.
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
Hands down the biggest sleeper of the bunch, but a fantastic revenge flick nevetheless. It's part dark comedy, part love story, but mostly just a finely crafted retribution flick--Kansas City Shuffle, anyone? How's this for a cast--Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley, Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Stanley Tucci, and one of my personal favorites, Mykelti Williamson (aka "Bird" from Wildcats). The movie has it all--great script, fantastic actors, and lots of quality action sequences! It's a sleeper but definitely worth your time if you haven't seen it.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Do I even need to insult your intelligence by going through all of its merits? This one is probably my favorite movie of all-time. Although it is not a classic shoot-em up revenge type film, it still manages to dole out enough satisfaction for all parties involved, doesn't it? Boggs gets his, Hadley too, and even Warden Norton gets payed back in spades. But the film's real achievment is that Red and Andy get exactly what they deserve, as well. The movie is perfect--outstanding story, exceptional acting, and a fantastic ending.
Sin City (2005)
I had absolutely zero expectations going into this one, and even if I did have any going in, it still would have blown them away. This is one of the most creative and visually stunning movies that has ever been made. This film marked the comeback of Mickey Rourke and oh, what a return it is! Marv is one of the toughest movie characters ever imagined--he could probably tear John Matrix in half and use Rambo as toilet paper. Also pitching in great performances are Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Benicio Del Toro, Powers Boothe, Rosario Dawson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Carla Gugino, Josh Hartnett, and the always lovely Jessica Alba. I'm still waiting with great anticipation for Sin City 2, which seems like it will never be made. At the very least, we will always have this masterpiece.
Braveheart (1995)
Speaking of masterpieces. Seriously, if this speech doesn't get your motor going, nothing will! Enraged by the slaying of his wife at the hands of English soldiers, William Wallace (Mel Gibson) takes on the evil Edward the Longshanks and virtually all of England in order to exact revenge, and to free all of Scotland. Now that is one pissed off Scotsman! And how bad ass are the battle scenes in this movie? They're unbelieveable! Also, the soundtrack is amazing, the authentic battle scenes are crazy good, and the acting is fantastic. Truly a four star movie!
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Kung-fu movies are not my thing--never have been. However, it is impossible to ignore the greatness of this movie (I considerate it one movie). Even though it is broken up into two films for time's sake, I get the definite feeling that I wouldn't have cared less if this one ran 8 hrs.--it's that superb! The story is outstanding, the casting and direction, as with most Tarantino movies, are exceptional, and it is one great scene piled on top of the next great scene! Although they are over the top and meant to be so, the action sequences are some of the very best that I have ever seen. Tarantino also creates some truly unforgettable characters in this one-- Uma Thurman is outstanding as "The Bride"/Beatrix Kiddo, David Carradine is a perfect Bill, and Michael Madsen, Vivica A. Fox, Darryl Hannah, and Lucy Liu are the perfect double-crossing group of assasains. If that weren't enough, Go Go Yubari and Pai Mei are tossed into the mix for added flavor. Even the ending has its own unique greatness--STOP SPOILERS AHEAD--it is a gratifying ending to a brilliant film.. It's hard, if not damn near impossible, to make a revenge flick this good, but Tarantino did it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Here I Go Again
This weekend, as I settled in to what had to be my 112th viewing of Rocky III, I challenged myself to narrow down a list of 10 movies which I refer to as the "I'm Compelled To Watch This Movie Everytime It's On" movies. These are the movies that if found watching by your wife, girlfriend, parents, etc., will illicit the obvious inquiry of, You're watching that again? I have to be honest, narrowing the field down to 10 sounds a lot easier than it actually is to do. I came up with 10 in precisely 6.4 seconds. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon beating myself up for leaving an obvious one off of my list. So, I had to compromise. I gave myself a top 10, with 5 honorable mentions.
So here is my personal list and my five honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions:
15.) The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Favorite quote: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
14.) Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Favorite quote: Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.
13.) Sixteen Candles (1984)
Favorite quote: Hey Howie, there's your Chinaman.
12.) Risky Business (1983)
Favorite quote: Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
11.) Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Favorite quote: I just didn't walk into this town from the cotton fields, Axel.
My Personal Top 10
10.) Goodfellas (1990)
Favorite quote: You took your first pinch like a man and you learned the two greatest things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
9.) Rounders (1998)
Favorite quote: I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.
8.) Major League (1989)
Favorite quote: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
7.) Fletch (1986)
Favorite quote: Gail Stanwyk: Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
6.) 48 hrs. (1982)
Favorite quote: Reggie: You said bullshit and experience is all it takes, right?
Jack: Right.
Reggie: Come on in and experience some of my bullshit.
5.) Rocky III (1982)
Favorite quote: You know, Stallion? It's too bad we gotta get old, huh?
4.) Cocktail (1988)
Favorite quote: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone!
3.) Predator (1987)
Favorite quote: Billy: I'm scared Poncho.
Poncho: Bullshit. You ain't afraid of no man.
Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.
2.) The Karate Kid (1984)
Favorite quote: Daniel: What's that guy kneeling like that for?
Miyagi: Don't know.
Daniel: Don't you know anything you can tell me?
Miyagi: Hai. No get hit.
1.) Road House (1989)
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
Have fun trying to narrow your list down to 15.
So here is my personal list and my five honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions:
15.) The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Favorite quote: Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
14.) Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Favorite quote: Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.
13.) Sixteen Candles (1984)
Favorite quote: Hey Howie, there's your Chinaman.
12.) Risky Business (1983)
Favorite quote: Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
11.) Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Favorite quote: I just didn't walk into this town from the cotton fields, Axel.
My Personal Top 10
10.) Goodfellas (1990)
Favorite quote: You took your first pinch like a man and you learned the two greatest things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
9.) Rounders (1998)
Favorite quote: I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.
8.) Major League (1989)
Favorite quote: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
7.) Fletch (1986)
Favorite quote: Gail Stanwyk: Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
6.) 48 hrs. (1982)
Favorite quote: Reggie: You said bullshit and experience is all it takes, right?
Jack: Right.
Reggie: Come on in and experience some of my bullshit.
5.) Rocky III (1982)
Favorite quote: You know, Stallion? It's too bad we gotta get old, huh?
4.) Cocktail (1988)
Favorite quote: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone!
3.) Predator (1987)
Favorite quote: Billy: I'm scared Poncho.
Poncho: Bullshit. You ain't afraid of no man.
Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.
2.) The Karate Kid (1984)
Favorite quote: Daniel: What's that guy kneeling like that for?
Miyagi: Don't know.
Daniel: Don't you know anything you can tell me?
Miyagi: Hai. No get hit.
1.) Road House (1989)
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
Have fun trying to narrow your list down to 15.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Up All Night, Sleep All Day
For those of you looking for a tribute page for the 80's-90's hair band Slaughter, I'm sorry, you've come to wrong place. Although, I still do love the song "Fly to the Angels"--sue me. Today, I am here to honor a once great TV program that I watched religiously, and that also got me through some very trying times as a teenager. This show guided me through those lonely Friday and Saturday nights before I had my driver's license, and before I could find a girl dumb enough to play "the tip game" with me.
Stumped? Maybe this commercial will refresh your memory.
Yes my fellow movie buffs, I'm talking about the legendary TV show USA's Up All Nite. To be quite honest, I was much more of a Rhonda Shear fan than Gilbert Godfried, for very obvious reasons. Let's just say that I ruined about 36 boxes of Kleenex between '87-'90 because of Rhonda, and the risque B movies that were aired late on those weekends. Ah, the simpler times, my friends.
I wanted to pay homage to this fantastic show and all of the great 80's B-movies and cult classics that it ran every weekend of my youth. So, in my infinite wisdom, I have created the USA Up All Nite Movie Hall of Fame." I am going to honor a few of my very favorite movies that I remember, uh-um, "enjoying" every weekend as a teenager. Each movie was graded upon two aspects 1-10, with 10 being the highest: Gratuitous Nudity Factor (GNF) and Absurd Plot Factor (APF)--hey, we have high standards over here at the Academy. Here are my first ballot Hall of Fame selections:
Hardbodies (1984)
This movie embodies the essence of the USA Up All Nite movie experience, doesn't guys? This movie trailer says it all! Three middle aged men head to the California coast in search of 20 year-old chicks. The plan backfires because, while they are all rich and successful, they are old farts and terrible with the ladies. That's when they meet Scotty Palmer and employ him to revamp their style and help them meet some...Harbodies (insert movie voice guy here). The movie itself is laughable, but it has great scenery and lots of 80's cheese!
GNF: 9 APF:10
Zapped! (1982)
I have two words for you, Heather Thomas! She is the reason that I used to own this movie on VHS, and could be the reason that I fell in love with blondes at such an early age. It just doesn't get much more 80's than this kids--Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, and Aunt Esther from "Sanford and Son!" Really, what more could one want, or need from a bad 80's flick? GNF: 8 APF: 12
Secret Admirer (1985)
I have two more words for you--Kelly Preston. If she's not enough, we got a young and very hot Lori Loughlin, as well. As for the movie itself, it's actually very funny with a solid premise to boot.. It also sports a solid 80's cast of C. Thomas Howell (Michael Ryan), Fred Ward (Lou Fimple), who nearly steals the show, Corey Haim (Michael's brother), Kelly Preston (Deborah Ann Fimple), Lori Loughlin (Toni), and the hilarious Casey Siemaszko (Roger). My favorite scene, other than every Kelly Preston scene, is this exchange between Michael and Lou Fimple: Michael: "Good evening, Mr. Fimple!" Lou Fimple: "Fuck you!" Funny shit! GNF: 9 APF: 8
Fraternity Vacation (1985)
This one has all of the key cornerstones of the quintessential 80's spring break flick, which is beautifully illustrated in this snippet from the movie. It's all there for you, the bad 80' synthesizer music, palm trees, the wacky DJ on everyone's radio, convertibles crowding the streets, the Fort Lauderdale setting, the nerd make-over montage, half naked women everywhere willing to sleep with anyone who asks nicely, the rich pricks, the unattainable girl--pretty much everything that my spring break experience wasn't. Still, a memorable cast of characters with a great 80's movie trailer--a young Tim Robbins as Larry "Mother" Tucker, Joe (Cameron Dye), the protypical 80's nerd Wendell Tvedt (Stephen Geoffreys), the rich assholes Chas Lawlor III (Leigh McCloskey) and J.C. Springer (Matt McCoy), and the unattainable hottie Ashley Taylor (Shere J. Wilson) who, of course, falls for the nerdy Wendell. Definitely, one of my favorites from my Up All Nite days.
GNF: 9 APF: 11
Private School (1983)
Back in the day, as long as the movie title started with the word Private, you knew you were in for some solid softcore hijinks (Private Resort, Private Lessons, etc.) This one has it all. A solid cast: the gorgeous Phoebe Cates (Christine), Matthew Modine (Jim, although he'll always be Louden Swain to me), Sylvia Kristel (Ms. Copalleta), and the wonderfully "talented" Betsy Russell (Jordan Leigh Jenson). A solid premise: Christine is in love with Jim, Jim is in love with Christine, Jordan is Christine's arch rival so, of course, she wants Jim and and will stop at nothing (thankfully) to steal him away from Christine. And Sylvia Kristel is thrown into the mix because she was in Private Lessons, so why not Private School? And, lastly, plenty of sexual situations that we wished happened to us when we were 17 years old! This one is a true Up All Nite classic! GNF: 12 APF: 10
Others receiving votes: Spring Break, Loverboy, Private Lessons, My Tudor, Tomboy, and Losin' It. Not to worry, there's always next year.
Stumped? Maybe this commercial will refresh your memory.
Yes my fellow movie buffs, I'm talking about the legendary TV show USA's Up All Nite. To be quite honest, I was much more of a Rhonda Shear fan than Gilbert Godfried, for very obvious reasons. Let's just say that I ruined about 36 boxes of Kleenex between '87-'90 because of Rhonda, and the risque B movies that were aired late on those weekends. Ah, the simpler times, my friends.
I wanted to pay homage to this fantastic show and all of the great 80's B-movies and cult classics that it ran every weekend of my youth. So, in my infinite wisdom, I have created the USA Up All Nite Movie Hall of Fame." I am going to honor a few of my very favorite movies that I remember, uh-um, "enjoying" every weekend as a teenager. Each movie was graded upon two aspects 1-10, with 10 being the highest: Gratuitous Nudity Factor (GNF) and Absurd Plot Factor (APF)--hey, we have high standards over here at the Academy. Here are my first ballot Hall of Fame selections:
Hardbodies (1984)
This movie embodies the essence of the USA Up All Nite movie experience, doesn't guys? This movie trailer says it all! Three middle aged men head to the California coast in search of 20 year-old chicks. The plan backfires because, while they are all rich and successful, they are old farts and terrible with the ladies. That's when they meet Scotty Palmer and employ him to revamp their style and help them meet some...Harbodies (insert movie voice guy here). The movie itself is laughable, but it has great scenery and lots of 80's cheese!
GNF: 9 APF:10
Zapped! (1982)
I have two words for you, Heather Thomas! She is the reason that I used to own this movie on VHS, and could be the reason that I fell in love with blondes at such an early age. It just doesn't get much more 80's than this kids--Scott Baio, Willie Aames, Heather Thomas, Scatman Crothers, and Aunt Esther from "Sanford and Son!" Really, what more could one want, or need from a bad 80's flick? GNF: 8 APF: 12
Secret Admirer (1985)
I have two more words for you--Kelly Preston. If she's not enough, we got a young and very hot Lori Loughlin, as well. As for the movie itself, it's actually very funny with a solid premise to boot.. It also sports a solid 80's cast of C. Thomas Howell (Michael Ryan), Fred Ward (Lou Fimple), who nearly steals the show, Corey Haim (Michael's brother), Kelly Preston (Deborah Ann Fimple), Lori Loughlin (Toni), and the hilarious Casey Siemaszko (Roger). My favorite scene, other than every Kelly Preston scene, is this exchange between Michael and Lou Fimple: Michael: "Good evening, Mr. Fimple!" Lou Fimple: "Fuck you!" Funny shit! GNF: 9 APF: 8
Fraternity Vacation (1985)
This one has all of the key cornerstones of the quintessential 80's spring break flick, which is beautifully illustrated in this snippet from the movie. It's all there for you, the bad 80' synthesizer music, palm trees, the wacky DJ on everyone's radio, convertibles crowding the streets, the Fort Lauderdale setting, the nerd make-over montage, half naked women everywhere willing to sleep with anyone who asks nicely, the rich pricks, the unattainable girl--pretty much everything that my spring break experience wasn't. Still, a memorable cast of characters with a great 80's movie trailer--a young Tim Robbins as Larry "Mother" Tucker, Joe (Cameron Dye), the protypical 80's nerd Wendell Tvedt (Stephen Geoffreys), the rich assholes Chas Lawlor III (Leigh McCloskey) and J.C. Springer (Matt McCoy), and the unattainable hottie Ashley Taylor (Shere J. Wilson) who, of course, falls for the nerdy Wendell. Definitely, one of my favorites from my Up All Nite days.
GNF: 9 APF: 11
Private School (1983)
Back in the day, as long as the movie title started with the word Private, you knew you were in for some solid softcore hijinks (Private Resort, Private Lessons, etc.) This one has it all. A solid cast: the gorgeous Phoebe Cates (Christine), Matthew Modine (Jim, although he'll always be Louden Swain to me), Sylvia Kristel (Ms. Copalleta), and the wonderfully "talented" Betsy Russell (Jordan Leigh Jenson). A solid premise: Christine is in love with Jim, Jim is in love with Christine, Jordan is Christine's arch rival so, of course, she wants Jim and and will stop at nothing (thankfully) to steal him away from Christine. And Sylvia Kristel is thrown into the mix because she was in Private Lessons, so why not Private School? And, lastly, plenty of sexual situations that we wished happened to us when we were 17 years old! This one is a true Up All Nite classic! GNF: 12 APF: 10
Others receiving votes: Spring Break, Loverboy, Private Lessons, My Tudor, Tomboy, and Losin' It. Not to worry, there's always next year.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Rematches That I'd Pay To See
You may have noticed that my little movie universe is a tad different from most. Little things about movies bother me, and I never seem to get past them. Questions such as--Who would win in a fight between Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang, or Did Joe Cain (The Program) win the Heisman in his senior year at ESU?-- still plague me to this day (these topics are definitely best discussed after 12 or 13 beers).
Other scenarios that haunt my movie brain are rematches that should have taken place but inexplicably haven't. As Sydney Deane (Wesley Snipes) declared in White Men Can't Jump, "If the sun shines long enough, it even shines on a dog's ass some days--anyone can win the lottery"--terrible movie, I know (which doesn't explain why I've seen it 10 times), but he did have a point. Here are a few movie rematches that I would have loved to see take place, and how I think that they would've played out.
Dean Youngblood vs. Racki (Youngblood 1986)
I'll give Rob Lowe props, he is and has always been a "cocksman"--it almost ruined his career back in the late 80's. However, would anyone ever confuse him with Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose)--he can't even look tough with blood on his jersey and a chipped tooth! On the other hand Racki (even his name scares me), looks like he could whip some serious ass. The Verdict: It has to be Racki, doesn't it? I suspect it would last about 17 seconds before Youngblood was spitting teeth! But he'd always have the lovely Cynthia Gibb to dress his wounds.
Yankees vs. Bears (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Sure, the Yankees had better personnel and a slightly smarter x's & o's manager, and they still only beat the Bears by one run in the championship. And even though Buttermaker was a fall down drunk, he was still very baseball savvy and definitely knew how to motivate his team. Also, let's not forget that Amanda didn't even have one day's rest between starts, so her arm was far less than 100%. Buttermaker also pulled out Tobey, Tanner, Reggie, and Jimmy at a pivitol moment in that game so that Lupus, Miguel, Jose, and Ogilvie could have a chance to play. Surprisingly, even with the line-up switch, the Bears almost pulled off the upset.
The Verdict: Baseball is a very funny game, so I'm going with the Bears 4-2. With a healthy Amanda on the bump, Kelley Leak hitting clean-up, and the line-up at full strength, I think they'd take the Yankees the next time they faced them.
Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang (Rocky III 1982)
You're telling me that not one boxing promoter in the world thought that a few bucks could be made from a Balboa vs. Lang rubber match fight? Nobody thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, there might be some interest in seeing a third match between these two? OK, we all know the story-- Clubber dismantled Rocky in their first meeting. Then, in the rematch Rocky knocks Clubber out to regain his title. The Verdict: I think Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun) said it best when he said, "I don't know a lot about boxing, all I know is never bet on the white guy." I don't think I'd bet against a super-pissed off Clubber either, would you? I fully believe that Clubber would knock Rocky out in the 2nd round if they had fought for a third time. Just my humble opinion.
Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid 1984)
If ever a rematch was needed, this would be the instance! I have seen this movie approximately 438 times, and I still get major chills when Daniel crane kicks Johnny in the melon to take home the trophy!! The movie is a work of art, and I wouldn't change a thing about it--except for the fact that Ali (with an i) had no hot friends, a little disappointing--the movie is pure perfection. The Verdict: If there was a rematch at the All-Valley Karate Tournament the following year, I would bet the house on Johnny Lawrence! Think about all of the the things that would drive Johnny's rage during those next 365 days: Daniel beat him in the championship match the year before, Daniel is nailing his ex, and he'll probably be parading her around Golf N' Stuff in his new yellow convertible for the next year. Imagine having to stomach this crap for the next year if you're Johnny Lawrence! As much as I hate to say it, I'm thinking Daniel's victory was a fluke and thus, I would have to believe that Johnny would thoroughly whip his ass if they met again. It's probably a good thing that this rematch never took place.
Other scenarios that haunt my movie brain are rematches that should have taken place but inexplicably haven't. As Sydney Deane (Wesley Snipes) declared in White Men Can't Jump, "If the sun shines long enough, it even shines on a dog's ass some days--anyone can win the lottery"--terrible movie, I know (which doesn't explain why I've seen it 10 times), but he did have a point. Here are a few movie rematches that I would have loved to see take place, and how I think that they would've played out.
Dean Youngblood vs. Racki (Youngblood 1986)
I'll give Rob Lowe props, he is and has always been a "cocksman"--it almost ruined his career back in the late 80's. However, would anyone ever confuse him with Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose)--he can't even look tough with blood on his jersey and a chipped tooth! On the other hand Racki (even his name scares me), looks like he could whip some serious ass. The Verdict: It has to be Racki, doesn't it? I suspect it would last about 17 seconds before Youngblood was spitting teeth! But he'd always have the lovely Cynthia Gibb to dress his wounds.
Yankees vs. Bears (The Bad News Bears 1976)
Sure, the Yankees had better personnel and a slightly smarter x's & o's manager, and they still only beat the Bears by one run in the championship. And even though Buttermaker was a fall down drunk, he was still very baseball savvy and definitely knew how to motivate his team. Also, let's not forget that Amanda didn't even have one day's rest between starts, so her arm was far less than 100%. Buttermaker also pulled out Tobey, Tanner, Reggie, and Jimmy at a pivitol moment in that game so that Lupus, Miguel, Jose, and Ogilvie could have a chance to play. Surprisingly, even with the line-up switch, the Bears almost pulled off the upset.
The Verdict: Baseball is a very funny game, so I'm going with the Bears 4-2. With a healthy Amanda on the bump, Kelley Leak hitting clean-up, and the line-up at full strength, I think they'd take the Yankees the next time they faced them.
Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang (Rocky III 1982)
You're telling me that not one boxing promoter in the world thought that a few bucks could be made from a Balboa vs. Lang rubber match fight? Nobody thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, there might be some interest in seeing a third match between these two? OK, we all know the story-- Clubber dismantled Rocky in their first meeting. Then, in the rematch Rocky knocks Clubber out to regain his title. The Verdict: I think Frank Drebin (The Naked Gun) said it best when he said, "I don't know a lot about boxing, all I know is never bet on the white guy." I don't think I'd bet against a super-pissed off Clubber either, would you? I fully believe that Clubber would knock Rocky out in the 2nd round if they had fought for a third time. Just my humble opinion.
Daniel Larusso vs. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid 1984)
If ever a rematch was needed, this would be the instance! I have seen this movie approximately 438 times, and I still get major chills when Daniel crane kicks Johnny in the melon to take home the trophy!! The movie is a work of art, and I wouldn't change a thing about it--except for the fact that Ali (with an i) had no hot friends, a little disappointing--the movie is pure perfection. The Verdict: If there was a rematch at the All-Valley Karate Tournament the following year, I would bet the house on Johnny Lawrence! Think about all of the the things that would drive Johnny's rage during those next 365 days: Daniel beat him in the championship match the year before, Daniel is nailing his ex, and he'll probably be parading her around Golf N' Stuff in his new yellow convertible for the next year. Imagine having to stomach this crap for the next year if you're Johnny Lawrence! As much as I hate to say it, I'm thinking Daniel's victory was a fluke and thus, I would have to believe that Johnny would thoroughly whip his ass if they met again. It's probably a good thing that this rematch never took place.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Straight Eye For The Queer Guy
Let's face it, not all movie villains are created equal. Some of them are unforgettable, like Darth Vader, Hannibal Lechter, and the Shark in Jaws. Some we forget about before we even finish our popcorn in the theater, like Castor Troy (Face-Off), Jigsaw (Saw 1-19), or Earl Talbot Blake (Ricochet)--see what I mean. Sometimes though, a villain can leave a somewhat different lasting impression on us. Here are a few villains that have caused me to raise an eyebrow (or four) over the years with some of their odd "behaviors." These are my list of villains that I suspect, shall we say, play for the other team. "Not that there's anything wrong with that"--many thanks, Seinfeld. Let's just refer to them as the "Ambiguously Gay Movie Villains."
Victor Maitland (Beverly Hills Cop 1984)
You cannot own a house like his in Beverly Hills, or be as rich as he his without having at least one hot babe around you at all times--it was the '80's, after all. Think about it. He has all that money, he dresses well, he's tan, he belongs to The Harrow Club, and the the one person that he chooses to take to brunch--his #1 henchman Zack? I mean Brad Wesley (from Roadhouse) had orgies in his pool almost every night, and he didn't have half of the scratch that Maitland appeared to have at his disposal--Maitland had a compound for God sake! And is it me, or is he checking out Axel's unit in this picture? Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 7 out of 10
General Zod (Superman II 1980)
OK, I could almost overlook the fact that he's wearing patten leather from head to toe. I might also look the other way at the fact that he's perfectly groomed, and he's awfully pompous/bitchy. Wasn't he in The Phantom Zone for 25 years? Not one hair is out of place on his head! But what I cannot ignore is his insistance for Superman and every other man that he crosses paths with to to kneel before him. Also, look who he's hanging out with--does Ursa strike you as being feminine? Here's my theory as to what happened on Krypton: Zod and Ursa came out of the closet and were treated like outcasts by the Kryptonians, so they hired Non as their muscle and tried to take over Krypton. Jor-El and the council were all homo-phobes, so they banished General Zod, Ursa, and Non to The Phantom Zone for eternity. Pretty solid theory if you ask me. Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9 out of 10
Hans Gruber (Die Hard 1988)
Probably the most open and shut case if it weren't for my next example. Has there ever been a cooler, well groomed, better dressed, or more well read villain in movie history? I mean the man quote's from Plutarch's (AD46-126) Life of Alexander, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." Who throws out such an obscure line like that during a hostage situation? He also carries around a leather bound day planner as his terrorist itinerary booklet. If that weren't enough, he knew exactly what suit manufacturer Mr. Takagi was wearing (albeit before he blew his brains out) and remarked how he had two himself at home. I rest my case.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9.5 out of 10
Bennett (Commando 1985)
Bennett is the Ted Williams of this category. Where do I even begin with this one--there is so much evidence throughout the whole movie. Let's start with his clothing, shall we? The mustache was obvious enough, but the gray mesh tank top over a black sleeveless t-shirt, the thick silver necklace with dog tags, the black leather pants, and black leather gloves with the fingers cut out, was less than subtle. Also, was Bennett the least athletic villain there has ever been? Just note the way he throws his gun away before he fights Matrix at the end--I've seen 4 year-old girls with better form than that. Not to mention his facial expressions before he actually throws the gun away--Jizz in My Pants comes to mind--if you'll pardon the expression. And lastly, I can't be the only one to notice the obvious sexual tension between Bennett and Matrix, can I? Well, maybe, but it's there, just watch the movie 30 more times.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 13 out of 10
Other nominees, although I have zero cinematic proof: Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon), Jimmy (Roadhouse), John Doe (Seven), and Norman Bates (Psycho).
Victor Maitland (Beverly Hills Cop 1984)
You cannot own a house like his in Beverly Hills, or be as rich as he his without having at least one hot babe around you at all times--it was the '80's, after all. Think about it. He has all that money, he dresses well, he's tan, he belongs to The Harrow Club, and the the one person that he chooses to take to brunch--his #1 henchman Zack? I mean Brad Wesley (from Roadhouse) had orgies in his pool almost every night, and he didn't have half of the scratch that Maitland appeared to have at his disposal--Maitland had a compound for God sake! And is it me, or is he checking out Axel's unit in this picture? Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 7 out of 10
General Zod (Superman II 1980)
OK, I could almost overlook the fact that he's wearing patten leather from head to toe. I might also look the other way at the fact that he's perfectly groomed, and he's awfully pompous/bitchy. Wasn't he in The Phantom Zone for 25 years? Not one hair is out of place on his head! But what I cannot ignore is his insistance for Superman and every other man that he crosses paths with to to kneel before him. Also, look who he's hanging out with--does Ursa strike you as being feminine? Here's my theory as to what happened on Krypton: Zod and Ursa came out of the closet and were treated like outcasts by the Kryptonians, so they hired Non as their muscle and tried to take over Krypton. Jor-El and the council were all homo-phobes, so they banished General Zod, Ursa, and Non to The Phantom Zone for eternity. Pretty solid theory if you ask me. Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9 out of 10
Hans Gruber (Die Hard 1988)
Probably the most open and shut case if it weren't for my next example. Has there ever been a cooler, well groomed, better dressed, or more well read villain in movie history? I mean the man quote's from Plutarch's (AD46-126) Life of Alexander, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." Who throws out such an obscure line like that during a hostage situation? He also carries around a leather bound day planner as his terrorist itinerary booklet. If that weren't enough, he knew exactly what suit manufacturer Mr. Takagi was wearing (albeit before he blew his brains out) and remarked how he had two himself at home. I rest my case.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 9.5 out of 10
Bennett (Commando 1985)
Bennett is the Ted Williams of this category. Where do I even begin with this one--there is so much evidence throughout the whole movie. Let's start with his clothing, shall we? The mustache was obvious enough, but the gray mesh tank top over a black sleeveless t-shirt, the thick silver necklace with dog tags, the black leather pants, and black leather gloves with the fingers cut out, was less than subtle. Also, was Bennett the least athletic villain there has ever been? Just note the way he throws his gun away before he fights Matrix at the end--I've seen 4 year-old girls with better form than that. Not to mention his facial expressions before he actually throws the gun away--Jizz in My Pants comes to mind--if you'll pardon the expression. And lastly, I can't be the only one to notice the obvious sexual tension between Bennett and Matrix, can I? Well, maybe, but it's there, just watch the movie 30 more times.
Ambiguous Gay-O-Meter: 13 out of 10
Other nominees, although I have zero cinematic proof: Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon), Jimmy (Roadhouse), John Doe (Seven), and Norman Bates (Psycho).
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